People have a right to set boundaries - to express their values, needs, and preferences and to protect their well-being. Boundaries help them gain and maintain a sense of balance over their situations - deciding what behaviors they will and won’t tolerate is imperative.
I think it's especially hard to set boundaries when, as you mentioned, the person you love has become unaccountable for their actions and they are unable to understand boundaries. You have to be so strong in setting the boundaries, even if you feel guilty, because you know that without those boundaries you will eventually crumble. Hindsight is great but I'm certain that you did the best you could at the time.
Being a caregiver to my parents was an on-the-job learning experience. Despite raising three children, caring for aging adults is a whole different ball game, especially when they're the people who raised YOU (lots of emotional and role-reversal stuff there.)
The reality is that you can't take good care of others if you don't take good care of yourself.
“Anger and frustration notify you of unfair or unsustainable conditions. Fear arises from uncontrollable events colliding with limited resources. Guilt displays our genuine wish to treat others well. Resentment stems from feeling unappreciated or trapped.”
I feel all these things as I travel every other week to stay with my 92-yo mother. My mother appreciates me staying with her and I still feel trapped. It’s my decision to take on the travel and I’m still resentful (why can’t the other brothers step up a bit, why didn’t she take better care of herself, why did she cater to my father and not develop a strong network of friends). And I feel guilt because I’m sure that my anger and frustration and perhaps my resentment show. And it’s not her fault.
Hi Teri, Even though it is your choice and your Mom appreciates your visits greatly - your feelings are also real. I felt all of them as well: anger at Dan, fear as to what to do, resentment at the situation, and enormous guilt. Take care.
People have a right to set boundaries - to express their values, needs, and preferences and to protect their well-being. Boundaries help them gain and maintain a sense of balance over their situations - deciding what behaviors they will and won’t tolerate is imperative.
Thank you for these excellent resources Janice.
I think it's especially hard to set boundaries when, as you mentioned, the person you love has become unaccountable for their actions and they are unable to understand boundaries. You have to be so strong in setting the boundaries, even if you feel guilty, because you know that without those boundaries you will eventually crumble. Hindsight is great but I'm certain that you did the best you could at the time.
Hi Heather, that is a healing thought for me "I did do the very best I could at the time."
Always terrific information, Janice.
Being a caregiver to my parents was an on-the-job learning experience. Despite raising three children, caring for aging adults is a whole different ball game, especially when they're the people who raised YOU (lots of emotional and role-reversal stuff there.)
The reality is that you can't take good care of others if you don't take good care of yourself.
Thank you, Janice, for another fine pep talk! You are like our cheerleader!
Things I've learned the hard way. Thanks!
“Anger and frustration notify you of unfair or unsustainable conditions. Fear arises from uncontrollable events colliding with limited resources. Guilt displays our genuine wish to treat others well. Resentment stems from feeling unappreciated or trapped.”
I feel all these things as I travel every other week to stay with my 92-yo mother. My mother appreciates me staying with her and I still feel trapped. It’s my decision to take on the travel and I’m still resentful (why can’t the other brothers step up a bit, why didn’t she take better care of herself, why did she cater to my father and not develop a strong network of friends). And I feel guilt because I’m sure that my anger and frustration and perhaps my resentment show. And it’s not her fault.
Thank you for this essay. 🙏🏻❤️
Hi Teri, Even though it is your choice and your Mom appreciates your visits greatly - your feelings are also real. I felt all of them as well: anger at Dan, fear as to what to do, resentment at the situation, and enormous guilt. Take care.