"...lower bone density, reduced muscle mass, stiffer blood vessels, and slower metabolism. Organs tend to lose functional capacity, skin loses elasticity, and vision and hearing senses weaken." Oh, yes. I have all this going on. Big time. All at one time. How do I handle it? I snivel a lot. And then I take a blissful nap. hahaha. Janice, I just chide myself and count my blessings. I can still hear, speak, see, write, tend to my daily basic needs. I remind myself that I am doing lots better than some, even though my garden is going to hell...
Such a wonderful way to excuse the mess out in my front yard - it's own new character! That might work for my messy hair and un-ironed shirt as well - the new me. Fully intentional!
I’m with you. Recognizing what does work well, even with a little or a lot of assistance, is reason enough to be grateful. I count my activities
(driving, medical issues under control, cooking and shopping for myself, some travel, celebrating events with family, friendships etc) as freedoms that irrespective of the natural progression of aging physically and emotionally, allow me to stay rational and accept for example, some wrinkles, hair thinning,
seeing, hearing decrease, walking carefully and feel grateful there are appliances for it all. Life may be a
bit different but at 80 years there is still so much yet to do that is welcome.
I love your insights, Janice. Comparing expert opinions with your lived experience is very valuable to me, and I often find myself nodding in agreement. While I want to grow old gracefully, my inward being rebelled at turning 70. Now, at 73, facing chronic hip issues, I’m starting to relax into the restrictions my body is introducing. To hear that you still struggle with these adjustments in your 80’s gives me great comfort and hope. I’m not failing, I’m adapting.
I appreciate your honesty and the positive example you set by honoring your lived experience over boilerplate expert advice. At 75, my latest accommodation is arthritis-strength acetaminophen. Some days, my joints are too painful to live with all day. This is recent, unwelcome, and depressing.
At 83, this is the first year I see the changes. I travel internationally and the work trip to Africa last month was so much more tiring and frustrating than ever before. Mostly, it's the flight that does me in as financially I have to travel in coach for 30ish hours. I needed more time, more thought to execute, and yes, more help from my team who travels with me. I realized this is going to be the end of my career and I feel very sad. I'm already committed to thru next April, then I have to face the reality that I'm just not the girl I used to be.
The mind-body loop you describe with anger has real support: research on adults in their 80s found that anger, more than sadness, was linked to higher inflammation and more chronic illness. The calmer later-life picture experts describe is an average, and it tends to hold best when people still feel in control of their days, which is exactly what needing new help can take away. So the frustration you name may be less a failure to age gracefully than a sign that autonomy is being renegotiated, and protecting small places where you still get to choose may matter as much as the exercise.
Hi Deborah, It seems like a feeling of being in control are the lack of being able to control play a major role - not always big issues like not driving and what that loss entails but the mass of little ones that build up: fingers not working as they did, knees not allowing us to walk as we did and trying to figure out the computer.
Yes, and the small losses may be harder precisely because each one seems too minor to grieve. Research on aging and control suggests people do best when they shift strategies rather than give up: choosing the few things that matter most, finding new ways to do them, and accepting help with the rest without feeling it as defeat. Getting the computer to cooperate is a real win for autonomy, not a trivial one.
That slow piling up is the part people rarely talk about. Research on adapting to later-life changes suggests it helps to name the small losses instead of brushing past them, because acknowledging them is what makes room to find a workaround or accept help. Your writing does that naming for a lot of readers.
Anger used to be a major theme for me. It rarely appears now on a personal scale. Also 87, I get annoyed at those small losses as I experience them, but I seldom add them up. Keeping them separate allows me to address them individually with hope of change or improvement. I treat them like laundry: when I notice them piling up, I toss them into the machine with a little soap and conditioner and fold them back into separate stacks.
The laundry image is a good one. Keeping each loss in its own stack is close to what research describes as the healthiest way to adapt: dealing with the specific thing in front of you instead of letting it turn into a verdict on getting older. Thank you for sharing how you do it.
This really hit me this week. I was playing golf with some ladies who were younger than me. I ended up in some competitive game they wanted to play. And I was irritated. One gal said to me, (she could tell I wasn’t my happy self) “You only lost $1.60.” I replied, “It wasn’t about the money.” She doesn’t understand: I don’t want to compete anymore. I just want to enjoy a day in the sunshine with friends. ❤️
Hi Jan, It seems that our priorities also change as we get older. I used to love to travel and see new places but not so much any more -I'd rather stay home and savor the peace and quiet.
I need a new job but I can’t handle full time employment. I don’t have the physical or mental wherewithal to deal with it anymore. I find I long for time to myself, not time at a desk working only for money.
Yes, I notice the aging. But as I gradually lose my husband to dementia, I am having to take on all kinds of new responsibilities that require both mental and physical challenges. Both my brain & body are having to come out of retirement to hold our lives together. Should be interesting to see how this works out.
Hi Dee, I sure know how that goes - having to take on all kinds of new responsibilities - as I lost my husband to dementia and moved into the new chapter of my life living on my own.
I so appreciate the honesty put forth in your articles. I'm 72 and one of my goals is "realistic expectations". Your writings help me with the goal and you're exactly right: the body will still ages. I may not care for a lot that's going on physically & emotionally, but my saving grace is the sense of humor I grew up and learned from parents and close relatives. And now, O joy!, it's my turn. Thank you, again!
I have spent the past hour writing about our emotions on default, for example irritability, and then I flip open my Substack to read this. Does feeling irritated when one is 87 and feels a loss of certain physical abilities denote chronic irritability. I don't think so. As you say Janice, this is more of a signal, a call for attention and perhaps modification. I love your What the Experts Say vs what is real posts, thank you.
Thanks Janice. A poignant but very instructive piece. Ageing just creeps up on you (if there’s not a more dramatic way it arrives) and my interest in embracing it as it arrives is that hopefully I’ll be possibly not actually welcoming restrictions etc as you describe, but at least able to acknowledge them, mourn if necessary, and come to a place of acceptance with wherever I am. We shall see!
Have you noticed your body aging, and what adaptations are you making? Because it does and we might have to consider some adjustments.
Thank you for this valuable information. Your honestly is fantastic
Janice I so appreciate your pieces.
"...lower bone density, reduced muscle mass, stiffer blood vessels, and slower metabolism. Organs tend to lose functional capacity, skin loses elasticity, and vision and hearing senses weaken." Oh, yes. I have all this going on. Big time. All at one time. How do I handle it? I snivel a lot. And then I take a blissful nap. hahaha. Janice, I just chide myself and count my blessings. I can still hear, speak, see, write, tend to my daily basic needs. I remind myself that I am doing lots better than some, even though my garden is going to hell...
Hi Sharron, That's true - we need to do remind ourselves of our blessings and there are many. I guess the garden will have it's own character.
Such a wonderful way to excuse the mess out in my front yard - it's own new character! That might work for my messy hair and un-ironed shirt as well - the new me. Fully intentional!
LOL
I’m with you. Recognizing what does work well, even with a little or a lot of assistance, is reason enough to be grateful. I count my activities
(driving, medical issues under control, cooking and shopping for myself, some travel, celebrating events with family, friendships etc) as freedoms that irrespective of the natural progression of aging physically and emotionally, allow me to stay rational and accept for example, some wrinkles, hair thinning,
seeing, hearing decrease, walking carefully and feel grateful there are appliances for it all. Life may be a
bit different but at 80 years there is still so much yet to do that is welcome.
We are, then, of the same tribe, Andrea. ☺️
Doing all that I can as long as I can. Mostly, adventure travel. And lots of moisturizer and lip cream. Ha.
Hi Holly, the adventure travel sounds wonderful.
I love your insights, Janice. Comparing expert opinions with your lived experience is very valuable to me, and I often find myself nodding in agreement. While I want to grow old gracefully, my inward being rebelled at turning 70. Now, at 73, facing chronic hip issues, I’m starting to relax into the restrictions my body is introducing. To hear that you still struggle with these adjustments in your 80’s gives me great comfort and hope. I’m not failing, I’m adapting.
Cheers to you, Janice.
Kathie, That may be the key term "adapting." - and adapting and adapting - it seems.
I like ‘I’m not failing, I’m adapting’. Thank you
I appreciate your honesty and the positive example you set by honoring your lived experience over boilerplate expert advice. At 75, my latest accommodation is arthritis-strength acetaminophen. Some days, my joints are too painful to live with all day. This is recent, unwelcome, and depressing.
Hi, I know about needing help with the pain of arthritis - it is definitely unwelcome and depressing.
At 83, this is the first year I see the changes. I travel internationally and the work trip to Africa last month was so much more tiring and frustrating than ever before. Mostly, it's the flight that does me in as financially I have to travel in coach for 30ish hours. I needed more time, more thought to execute, and yes, more help from my team who travels with me. I realized this is going to be the end of my career and I feel very sad. I'm already committed to thru next April, then I have to face the reality that I'm just not the girl I used to be.
Hi Patty, That is the sadness for me as well. I'm not the girl or woman I used to be and I miss that life.
Yes. It IS sad, and it’s a loss. And thus grieving for that loss is appropriate.
The mind-body loop you describe with anger has real support: research on adults in their 80s found that anger, more than sadness, was linked to higher inflammation and more chronic illness. The calmer later-life picture experts describe is an average, and it tends to hold best when people still feel in control of their days, which is exactly what needing new help can take away. So the frustration you name may be less a failure to age gracefully than a sign that autonomy is being renegotiated, and protecting small places where you still get to choose may matter as much as the exercise.
Hi Deborah, It seems like a feeling of being in control are the lack of being able to control play a major role - not always big issues like not driving and what that loss entails but the mass of little ones that build up: fingers not working as they did, knees not allowing us to walk as we did and trying to figure out the computer.
Yes, and the small losses may be harder precisely because each one seems too minor to grieve. Research on aging and control suggests people do best when they shift strategies rather than give up: choosing the few things that matter most, finding new ways to do them, and accepting help with the rest without feeling it as defeat. Getting the computer to cooperate is a real win for autonomy, not a trivial one.
Hi Deborah, That's what I'm finding - it's those small losses piling up over time that take a toll.
That slow piling up is the part people rarely talk about. Research on adapting to later-life changes suggests it helps to name the small losses instead of brushing past them, because acknowledging them is what makes room to find a workaround or accept help. Your writing does that naming for a lot of readers.
Anger used to be a major theme for me. It rarely appears now on a personal scale. Also 87, I get annoyed at those small losses as I experience them, but I seldom add them up. Keeping them separate allows me to address them individually with hope of change or improvement. I treat them like laundry: when I notice them piling up, I toss them into the machine with a little soap and conditioner and fold them back into separate stacks.
The laundry image is a good one. Keeping each loss in its own stack is close to what research describes as the healthiest way to adapt: dealing with the specific thing in front of you instead of letting it turn into a verdict on getting older. Thank you for sharing how you do it.
This really hit me this week. I was playing golf with some ladies who were younger than me. I ended up in some competitive game they wanted to play. And I was irritated. One gal said to me, (she could tell I wasn’t my happy self) “You only lost $1.60.” I replied, “It wasn’t about the money.” She doesn’t understand: I don’t want to compete anymore. I just want to enjoy a day in the sunshine with friends. ❤️
Hi Jan, It seems that our priorities also change as we get older. I used to love to travel and see new places but not so much any more -I'd rather stay home and savor the peace and quiet.
I need a new job but I can’t handle full time employment. I don’t have the physical or mental wherewithal to deal with it anymore. I find I long for time to myself, not time at a desk working only for money.
Hi Karen, I know what you mean about longing for alone time.
Yes, I notice the aging. But as I gradually lose my husband to dementia, I am having to take on all kinds of new responsibilities that require both mental and physical challenges. Both my brain & body are having to come out of retirement to hold our lives together. Should be interesting to see how this works out.
Hi Dee, I sure know how that goes - having to take on all kinds of new responsibilities - as I lost my husband to dementia and moved into the new chapter of my life living on my own.
I so appreciate the honesty put forth in your articles. I'm 72 and one of my goals is "realistic expectations". Your writings help me with the goal and you're exactly right: the body will still ages. I may not care for a lot that's going on physically & emotionally, but my saving grace is the sense of humor I grew up and learned from parents and close relatives. And now, O joy!, it's my turn. Thank you, again!
The way you talk about working with your body instead of fighting it makes it sound a lot less like a losing battle.
It does make sense, doesn’t it and is still a work in progress for me.
I have spent the past hour writing about our emotions on default, for example irritability, and then I flip open my Substack to read this. Does feeling irritated when one is 87 and feels a loss of certain physical abilities denote chronic irritability. I don't think so. As you say Janice, this is more of a signal, a call for attention and perhaps modification. I love your What the Experts Say vs what is real posts, thank you.
Hi Donna, I think so - modification now and probably further modifications as we go.
You are so intentional with the way you live - it’s very inspiring!
Thanks Janice. A poignant but very instructive piece. Ageing just creeps up on you (if there’s not a more dramatic way it arrives) and my interest in embracing it as it arrives is that hopefully I’ll be possibly not actually welcoming restrictions etc as you describe, but at least able to acknowledge them, mourn if necessary, and come to a place of acceptance with wherever I am. We shall see!
Hi Jane, I think that 's the idea - acknowledge, honor the feelings, and adjust as necessary - because this seems to be an on-going process of change.
87… only in my dreams!
Thank you for sharing your insight, I have heard it said, and now live it: Aging ain’t for wimps!
Hi Keith, I am certainly finding that to be true.