The Voice We Live With

Choosing to Be A Coach Rather Than A Critic

Photo by Tirza van Dijk on Unsplash

Conversations with myself over the past ten years have been more critical than supportive. Yes, I’m a psychologist. Yes, I know better. And, yes, I knew what I was doing, but that didn’t stop me from being less than compassionate, and very harsh with myself while caregiving and then rebuilding a new life after my husband died. Without a doubt, that approach was not helpful.

Below, I share with you my sense of things as an 87 year old compared to the general advice experts give.

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Experts say as people age, they become more appreciative, observant, and forgiving.

What I’m finding:

• I’m appreciative, observant and forgiving most of the time. But there’s also resentment and frustration that the life I knew and loved, and the person I cared for most deeply are gone.

• I’m teaching myself the habit of taking the time to respond rather than react, which may help.

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Experts say that while silent thinking is the norm, older adults often revert to speaking out loud—and that’s okay.

What I’m Finding:

• I’ve never considered myself to be an angry person, but anger escapes too often lately. I went from being a wife for over 60 years to being a single woman dealing with change, technology, and an aging body that seems to accompany this unprepared for stage of my life.

• I talk to myself out loud—or to the cats. It helps me process my thoughts and they don’t talk back.

• Fortunately, I’m home, so only they hear my angry voice. I do apologize profusely and promise them it’s not their fault.

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Experts say that instead of stressing over every detail, we naturally develop better coping strategies and a slower, more deliberate voice that frames challenges with greater self-compassion and wisdom.

What I’m Finding:

• This has not been my experience—yet. Life is changing at a rapid pace and long-held coping strategies aren’t working as well as they once did. I still haven’t fully developed new ones to deal with this chapter of my life.

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Experts say older adults should reframe a negative inner critic into a compassionate, “kind observer” coach.

What I’m Finding:

• I agree that coaching ourselves builds long-term toughness, motivation, and growth by offering supportive, constructive guidance. In contrast, self-criticism relies on shame and rigid blame, which tends to drain confidence, increase anxiety, and can lead to avoidance or burnout. While both aim for improvement, the coach builds endurance while the critic damages confidence.

• I’m getting better at self-coaching - being more encouraging, patient, and validating with myself. I try to focus on solutions, adapting, and taking small actionable next steps; rather than relying on black-and-white thinking and dwelling on failures. I’m also allowing myself to be more curious and self-compassionate - to focus on long-term progress and psychological well-being rather than quick fixes.

• Even so, too often the critic takes over, with it’s reliance on guilt, fear, and a belief of never being “enough.” A focus that tends to cause anxiety, burnout, and emotional fatigue. Being my own coach continues to be a work in progress but work that is well worth the effort.

A question for each of us to consider is this: Am I being a self critic or a self coach and how is that working for me so far?

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on SubStack for five years and recently published the book, An Insider’s Guide to Aging - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-old.