Well done, Janice - it's always so good to know that we're not alone with our various "warts and angel wings". My week has been a bit of a roller coaster, but I'm grateful to be coming out the other side. I just posted my "Friday Musing" on Substack - perhaps it will give you a moment of pause? :-)
My inner critic is stronger than my inner coach, but I'm learning to push back more. The talking out loud is something i've been doing for a while, since I began solo living six years ago. It's good to know its normal behaviour!
I am some of both….but lately I ask myself “what have I got to be anxious or feel guilty about? I am trying to be more the coach rather than the critic. But I need to consciously work at it harder. Keep my mind focused on giving myself positive messages rather than negative ones. I wish I was where you are so I could give you a big hug. You’re going through a lot. I hope you have at least one good friend there who can do that.
Hiii Sharron, this is the part that jumped out at me.
You said, “I shut down too quickly now, and get frustrated. So I try to counteract that response…”
That right there is the work.
Because most of us think the problem is the frustration.
It isn’t.
The frustration is the dog barking at the door. Something underneath it already predicted, “I’m not going to understand this… this is going to be difficult… I can’t do this like I used to.”
And boom. Protect. Shut down. Get irritated and walk away from the problem.
Our brain is ridiculously fast like that. It doesn’t hold a committee meeting first. Nobody brings snacks. It just goes, “Oh, I know this feeling,” and runs the old program.
What I really like is that you’re interrupting it by reminding yourself of the strengths that are still there. That’s not pretending everything is wonderful. That’s giving your brain more information than the frustration is giving it.
And your comment about talking out loud made me laugh because, yes, some of the things we say to ourselves probably should remain classified information.
Although I think pain gets its own vocabulary. Arthritis apparently unlocks words we didn’t even know were installed.
But seriously, talking out loud can be interesting because now you can actually hear the story instead of just being buried inside of it.
And once we can hear the story, we can get curious about it.
That little space between “this is frustrating” and “I’m done with this” is where we get some choice back.
That’s the gap. The space between the stimulus and our automatic reaction.
And here’s the part people sometimes miss: noticing the gap doesn’t automatically change what happens next. We have to practice a different response in that gap.
Again and again.
Until eventually the new response becomes the one our brain knows how to reach for.
Janice, I’m 83 and in October I’ll be 84. I totally identify with what you have said in your essay. What more can I say except that I’m with you all the way because it’s the same for me
Hi Allan, I had never experienced such anger and frustration before. Somehow I'd like to develop a more supportive mind set, but that continues to be a work in progress.
Janice, thank you for your continued direction. I just turned 88 and was widowed in February after a 40-year beautiful marriage. I've been working on the relationship between pain and joy for sometime now. Over the past three years I have worked on self compassion so I find myself more accepting and less critical.
Hi Sandra, I find it an interesting challenge to allow both pain and joy to exist - sometimes at the same time. We have two great-granddaughters - being with them brings me absolute joy, but at the same time there is deep sorrow that my husband never got to meet them and experience the joy they bring.
Janice, I so appreciated this article, as both a coach and a caregiver for my mother. Right at the top of the article you said "I’m teaching myself the habit of taking the time to respond rather than react, which may help." As selfish as this may sound, it was good for me to hear that you are still working through this at 87. I am 73 and maybe there is hope for me yet, to find the space, compassion or whatever the trick is to pause before reacting.
Hi Wendy, When my husband was alive, I reacted rather than responded and then felt so guilty when my frustration showed. I still haven't mastered the pausing yet by any means but I keep practicing. You have the hardest job I know of and you could appreciate yourself every single day for what you are doing for your mother.
Janice, thanks for your kind words. I just wrote about the struggle in my latest Substack. I know the guilt that comes with reacting from frustration. Not sure we can ever master the pause, but hopefully with awareness we can get better at it.
I've been a critic of myself lately too, though in a different direction than looking back. Mine shows up as chasing some future version of myself instead of being present in this one. I've been blessed with not dwelling on the past, but I'm realizing I swapped it for dwelling on what's next, which isn't really an improvement. Writing and reading more has helped me actually notice when I'm doing it.
That's such a precise way to name it. Mine tend to be more "what's next" than "what if," but they seem to have something in common. Both can make it pretty hard to just sit with how things actually are right now.
Thank you. Janice. I have found that stasis is a fantasy. You're either moving forward or loosing ground. Progress is rewarding, so I have found that any step, even tiny ones, are worthwhile. Cheers!
I talk to myself too! At the market, in the car.. You pose a great question. I try to self coach. Words have energy and can create a better (or worse) life for ourselves. I do fail at times but it’s also important not to self recriminate. Anger can spiral out of control. That needs a whole other focus to escape.
Hi CK, Yes, our words certainly play a major role, don't they? Your point about not self-recriminating is so important. I'm making a conscious effort now to forgive myself for the anger and apologize to the cats.
I think we all struggle with general positivity as we age, I know I do. I’ve become a grief counselor/coordinator with Bristol Hospice and just turned 61 (not even close to 87, I know). One thing for sure; grief can be a lonely journey that’s all our own, but it can also open a heart or close it off. Being human and having the gift of knowing, if you will, is a blessing and sometimes a curse. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and life journey Janice.
A question to consider is this: Am I being a self critic or a self coach and how is that working for me so far?
Well done, Janice - it's always so good to know that we're not alone with our various "warts and angel wings". My week has been a bit of a roller coaster, but I'm grateful to be coming out the other side. I just posted my "Friday Musing" on Substack - perhaps it will give you a moment of pause? :-)
My inner critic is stronger than my inner coach, but I'm learning to push back more. The talking out loud is something i've been doing for a while, since I began solo living six years ago. It's good to know its normal behaviour!
I am some of both….but lately I ask myself “what have I got to be anxious or feel guilty about? I am trying to be more the coach rather than the critic. But I need to consciously work at it harder. Keep my mind focused on giving myself positive messages rather than negative ones. I wish I was where you are so I could give you a big hug. You’re going through a lot. I hope you have at least one good friend there who can do that.
Whenever anyone comments negatively about my self-talk, I tell them "Well, I'm a good listener, I'm supportive, compassionate and intelligent, and I'm
fantastic company."
Hiii Sharron, this is the part that jumped out at me.
You said, “I shut down too quickly now, and get frustrated. So I try to counteract that response…”
That right there is the work.
Because most of us think the problem is the frustration.
It isn’t.
The frustration is the dog barking at the door. Something underneath it already predicted, “I’m not going to understand this… this is going to be difficult… I can’t do this like I used to.”
And boom. Protect. Shut down. Get irritated and walk away from the problem.
Our brain is ridiculously fast like that. It doesn’t hold a committee meeting first. Nobody brings snacks. It just goes, “Oh, I know this feeling,” and runs the old program.
What I really like is that you’re interrupting it by reminding yourself of the strengths that are still there. That’s not pretending everything is wonderful. That’s giving your brain more information than the frustration is giving it.
And your comment about talking out loud made me laugh because, yes, some of the things we say to ourselves probably should remain classified information.
Although I think pain gets its own vocabulary. Arthritis apparently unlocks words we didn’t even know were installed.
But seriously, talking out loud can be interesting because now you can actually hear the story instead of just being buried inside of it.
And once we can hear the story, we can get curious about it.
That little space between “this is frustrating” and “I’m done with this” is where we get some choice back.
That’s the gap. The space between the stimulus and our automatic reaction.
And here’s the part people sometimes miss: noticing the gap doesn’t automatically change what happens next. We have to practice a different response in that gap.
Again and again.
Until eventually the new response becomes the one our brain knows how to reach for.
I love how you've presented the distinction between coach and critic, which for me can sometimes be a fine and blurry line. Thank you!
This greeting comes with thanks for a thought-provoking question. Let the pondering begin…
Janice, I’m 83 and in October I’ll be 84. I totally identify with what you have said in your essay. What more can I say except that I’m with you all the way because it’s the same for me
Hi Allan, I had never experienced such anger and frustration before. Somehow I'd like to develop a more supportive mind set, but that continues to be a work in progress.
I could send you a long list of very satisfying swear words, Janice, if you think it might help. 😂
LOL
Janice, thank you for your continued direction. I just turned 88 and was widowed in February after a 40-year beautiful marriage. I've been working on the relationship between pain and joy for sometime now. Over the past three years I have worked on self compassion so I find myself more accepting and less critical.
Hi Sandra, I find it an interesting challenge to allow both pain and joy to exist - sometimes at the same time. We have two great-granddaughters - being with them brings me absolute joy, but at the same time there is deep sorrow that my husband never got to meet them and experience the joy they bring.
Janice, I so appreciated this article, as both a coach and a caregiver for my mother. Right at the top of the article you said "I’m teaching myself the habit of taking the time to respond rather than react, which may help." As selfish as this may sound, it was good for me to hear that you are still working through this at 87. I am 73 and maybe there is hope for me yet, to find the space, compassion or whatever the trick is to pause before reacting.
Hi Wendy, When my husband was alive, I reacted rather than responded and then felt so guilty when my frustration showed. I still haven't mastered the pausing yet by any means but I keep practicing. You have the hardest job I know of and you could appreciate yourself every single day for what you are doing for your mother.
Janice, thanks for your kind words. I just wrote about the struggle in my latest Substack. I know the guilt that comes with reacting from frustration. Not sure we can ever master the pause, but hopefully with awareness we can get better at it.
I also felt validated by her words, and I just turned 60.
I've been a critic of myself lately too, though in a different direction than looking back. Mine shows up as chasing some future version of myself instead of being present in this one. I've been blessed with not dwelling on the past, but I'm realizing I swapped it for dwelling on what's next, which isn't really an improvement. Writing and reading more has helped me actually notice when I'm doing it.
Hi Nathan my self-criticism tends to focus on ''should haves," 'would have's" and "could haves" but there are a lot of "what-if's" involved as well.
That's such a precise way to name it. Mine tend to be more "what's next" than "what if," but they seem to have something in common. Both can make it pretty hard to just sit with how things actually are right now.
Thank you. Janice. I have found that stasis is a fantasy. You're either moving forward or loosing ground. Progress is rewarding, so I have found that any step, even tiny ones, are worthwhile. Cheers!
Hi Richard, What a great standard, any steps forward can be cause for celebration.
I talk to myself too! At the market, in the car.. You pose a great question. I try to self coach. Words have energy and can create a better (or worse) life for ourselves. I do fail at times but it’s also important not to self recriminate. Anger can spiral out of control. That needs a whole other focus to escape.
Hi CK, Yes, our words certainly play a major role, don't they? Your point about not self-recriminating is so important. I'm making a conscious effort now to forgive myself for the anger and apologize to the cats.
I am more frustrated than angry- mostly because I don’t have the energy I once had and that makes me self critical .
Hi Antoinette - lack of energy is certainly an issue for me as well.
I think we all struggle with general positivity as we age, I know I do. I’ve become a grief counselor/coordinator with Bristol Hospice and just turned 61 (not even close to 87, I know). One thing for sure; grief can be a lonely journey that’s all our own, but it can also open a heart or close it off. Being human and having the gift of knowing, if you will, is a blessing and sometimes a curse. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and life journey Janice.