The Deep Loneliness of Losing a Spouse

Coping with Grief and Loss

Photo by Clément Falize on Unsplash

A topic I never considered before my husband died was loneliness - its depth and complexity. At the time, I was busy managing new challenges, taking charge, and adjusting to life as a caregiver and then a single older woman. Today, I’m acutely aware of the fact that ‘never again’ is a very long time.

Experts describe four types of loneliness:

• Emotional Loneliness, the absence of a deep, intimate bond with a significant other

• Social Loneliness, or the lack of a broader social network and a sense of belonging to a community.

• Situational Loneliness refers to the temporary loneliness caused by a specific life event, such as a move or a breakup.

• Chronic Loneliness is a persistent, pervasive feeling of loneliness that lasts over time.

The two that touch me strongly are emotional and chronic loneliness.

Emotional Loneliness

Many people find new love after the death of a spouse, and over time, the impact of that loss tends to diminish. However, I’m 87 years old and not interested in pursuing a new relationship. I like living alone, have a supportive family and friends, and have proven to myself that I can manage the household with a bit of help - a house cleaner, a financial planner, and Amazon deliveries. And I am lonely.

Experts note that losing someone who knows us is different from just missing them. It’s among the many secondary losses we suffer, one of the least concrete, and one that may take a long time to understand and articulate.

What I’ve come to realize is that nothing can replace the intimacy of living with someone for decades and knowing them for 70 years. We grew up in the same neighborhood, had the same friends, our families were close, and we shared interests, memories, and goals. Our level of togetherness was achieved through proximity and time, and there is no way to replace or recreate it.

Chronic Loneliness

Chronic loneliness is a persistent feeling of social and emotional disconnection that life events, health issues, or negative self-perceptions can cause. It’s been linked to serious health consequences, including increased risks for heart disease, stroke, dementia, and a shortened lifespan.

I’ve read many articles about loneliness that offer ideas for healing, none of which lessen the loss for me.

I’m incredibly fortunate: my family supports me and allows me to be as independent as possible; I have a purpose; I’m healthy; and I’ve built a new life for myself.

And at the same time, there is an underlying sadness and loneliness that I don’t think will ever go away - maybe I don’t want it to. My husband was the most important person in my life - a part of me is missing.

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles on Substack since 2021.