There is much I relate to here even though Graham and I did not have the longevity. This December is our 20th anniversary. I found it heartening to read the other comments. Grief is something that we learn to live alongside.
Thanks, Sergio. One of the major reasons I was able to get back on track is that I know my sweet husband would have wanted me to continue loving my life as we loved ours together. Life is so precious even if we have to go it alone. I felt his encouragement.
I loved your article, and, unfortunately, could totally identify with it. My husband died in August of ‘22, three days before what would have been our 58th. We met on a blind-date when I was 16, and were from the same area. We could just say “anything” and knew what we were talking about. I do believe Willie Nelson’s song to be correct. Grief is not something you get over, it’s something you get through. I’m still trying.
"And at the same time, there is an underlying sadness and loneliness that I don’t think will ever go away - maybe I don’t want it to." I see myself in this statement. I loved her for 74 years. I have borne the grief for eight years now and expect to grieve the rest of my life. And it is okay. Thank you for all you do, Janice
My deepest condolences. You are absolutely correct. There is no loss that comes close to losing your spouse. It is only because our bodies switch to autopilot that we don’t all die of asphyxiation, because you cannot breath. After my wife of 33 years died, I remember telling my son that they say your wife is your better half but I felt like about 3/4 of me was gone. I discovered that the valley of the shadow of death is a very real place. I have been blessed to remarry and I am very thankful. I finally understand the Khalil Gibran quote, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your heart, the more joy you can contain.” Thank you for being so vulnerable. You are making a difference in people’s lives. I encourage you to take a day at a time, and look for tiny moments of joy to encourage you.
Hi, thank you so much for your kind words. Interesting about your comment of "3/4 of me being gone." So, true! We grew up together and were married for over 60 years before my husband died. I had no idea what that would do to my emotional well-being and sense of self. I'm so happy for you that you've found a new love.
My life has been similar to yours with a 65 year relationship and 56 years of marriage.My grief of his loss will never stop and loneliness is always present despite the .distraction of acquaintances,exercise buddies ,travels etc Loneliness will be ever present to my last breath.Senior activities fill my days since I do not have a family you are blessed with.
I am totally on my own to seek meaning for the rest of.my existence at 85years of age.
"I am totally on my own to seek meaning for the rest of my existence at 85 years of age."
I am 87 and can so relate to "totally on my own". We each have such unique lives it has to be this way. I am so grateful for the internet and these communities... we are not totally on our own when we can reach across space to find others in the same position and know that the hard work of seeking meaning in our lives is being honestly and faithfully done by so many of our contemporaries.
Thanks for sharing your similar situation.For.many elderly widows and widower it is grief management for the rest of our lives because the.loss and consequently isolation never go away but we have to live as best we can,still ever searching for moments of joy if not happiness but a measure of gratitude and contentment.
I was afraid to read this post. I can't read too much about losing a spouse these days. But you are so good at what you do I managed to get through it without my daily losing it.
My biggest problem now is that I have zero physical touch. Here's a little tidbit for your readers:
For survival: 4 hugs a day
For maintenance: 8 hugs a day
For growth: 12 hugs a day
Carl and I stayed "in touch" most all the time he was home. We still held hands everywhere we went. He always put his hand on my leg if we were in the car. And we were connected like glue while sleeping. He rubbed my back every night to fall asleep.
There is no way to replace this. I'm wearing down physically due to this lack of touch and affection. I tried massage this week. It helps but not sure if that will continue, and it's expensive, not just anyone will do.
The second biggest problem is that I can't share just anything with anyone. Carl and I had our own language and it was a safe space to be myself. No more. Everything is bottled up. Journaling is no longer helpful, it just isn't. This week I'll try and channel some of this into art, something I have zero talent in but it's not the finished product that counts, it will be the process.
Hi Patti, you have so poignantly described the losses involved. Very true, about the art - it is more about expressing our feelings in a way that has meaning for us than producing a finished product.
Happy Thanksgiving, Janice. Carl always did the cooking, especially meals like this. I am going back to the pilgrim way of eating. I bought a couple turkey legs, cooking them over a bed of carrots, onion, potatoes, apples. And garlic. I rubbed with olive oil and spices.
It's in honor and loving memory of the man who single-handedly kept me nourished, and taught me to not be afraid of experimenting in the kitchen. I loved watching him work, I did a lot of the prep and the cleanup. I also learned how to use a knife so I don't whack my fingers off. There's that, for a little humor.
Happy Thanksgiving, Patti. That sounds like a very healthy, delicious dinner. I am going out to dinner with family, but the great-granddaughters will be there, so it's a special treat.
You expressed so well that special bond of affection , intimacy and deep connection you and your husband shared , that special touch and hug which meant total trust and openness of the self without judgment but acceptance of you with all your strength and weakness.Best.of all it's mutual. That's what I miss so much snd time will not heal.
Thank you, Doris. I wish for you peace of mind and that for we who have lost our soul mates, we are still thankful for our own lives, today. I have to focus on this so that I don’t give up.
Beautiful, poignant, true words of love and loss. Thank you Janice. I am "not (yet) in this situation " but as an almost 55 years wed couple either of us will/would be feeling what you wrote about. It's an inevitability which is hard to even consider but it's a tough part of life lived with love & your own best friend. Sending my best to you.
Found your Substack today, Janice. Love your content :) I was wondering about your take on physical loneliness. I didn't see it referenced, but I do imagine that not having the physical presence of your partner would be deep as well. I am relatively new to Substack and write The Truth About Grief in case you'd like to check it out: karensibal.substack.com. Thanks so much :))
Aloha from Hawaii. I’ll send pictures later.
There is much I relate to here even though Graham and I did not have the longevity. This December is our 20th anniversary. I found it heartening to read the other comments. Grief is something that we learn to live alongside.
"Our level of togetherness was achieved through proximity and time, and there is no way to replace or recreate it."
I am 87 too and understand so well missing my husband and living with loneliness. So much love with no longer anywhere to find expression.
Luckily we have strands of experience in our lives that allow us to be healthy and happy with others or on our own.
"I am healthy; I have a purpose; and I've built a new life for myself."
So much love with no longer any where to find expression. That seems to be the truth of it.
Thanks, Sergio. One of the major reasons I was able to get back on track is that I know my sweet husband would have wanted me to continue loving my life as we loved ours together. Life is so precious even if we have to go it alone. I felt his encouragement.
Thank you for this wonderful piece!
Janice,
I loved your article, and, unfortunately, could totally identify with it. My husband died in August of ‘22, three days before what would have been our 58th. We met on a blind-date when I was 16, and were from the same area. We could just say “anything” and knew what we were talking about. I do believe Willie Nelson’s song to be correct. Grief is not something you get over, it’s something you get through. I’m still trying.
Hi Betty, I think of him as being my soul mate and agree with Willie about not getting over it. I’m not sure I will even get through it some days.
"And at the same time, there is an underlying sadness and loneliness that I don’t think will ever go away - maybe I don’t want it to." I see myself in this statement. I loved her for 74 years. I have borne the grief for eight years now and expect to grieve the rest of my life. And it is okay. Thank you for all you do, Janice
That is the way, I see it now, I will miss him forever and that’s ok.
Janice,
My deepest condolences. You are absolutely correct. There is no loss that comes close to losing your spouse. It is only because our bodies switch to autopilot that we don’t all die of asphyxiation, because you cannot breath. After my wife of 33 years died, I remember telling my son that they say your wife is your better half but I felt like about 3/4 of me was gone. I discovered that the valley of the shadow of death is a very real place. I have been blessed to remarry and I am very thankful. I finally understand the Khalil Gibran quote, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your heart, the more joy you can contain.” Thank you for being so vulnerable. You are making a difference in people’s lives. I encourage you to take a day at a time, and look for tiny moments of joy to encourage you.
Hi, thank you so much for your kind words. Interesting about your comment of "3/4 of me being gone." So, true! We grew up together and were married for over 60 years before my husband died. I had no idea what that would do to my emotional well-being and sense of self. I'm so happy for you that you've found a new love.
My life has been similar to yours with a 65 year relationship and 56 years of marriage.My grief of his loss will never stop and loneliness is always present despite the .distraction of acquaintances,exercise buddies ,travels etc Loneliness will be ever present to my last breath.Senior activities fill my days since I do not have a family you are blessed with.
I am totally on my own to seek meaning for the rest of.my existence at 85years of age.
"I am totally on my own to seek meaning for the rest of my existence at 85 years of age."
I am 87 and can so relate to "totally on my own". We each have such unique lives it has to be this way. I am so grateful for the internet and these communities... we are not totally on our own when we can reach across space to find others in the same position and know that the hard work of seeking meaning in our lives is being honestly and faithfully done by so many of our contemporaries.
Thanks for sharing your similar situation.For.many elderly widows and widower it is grief management for the rest of our lives because the.loss and consequently isolation never go away but we have to live as best we can,still ever searching for moments of joy if not happiness but a measure of gratitude and contentment.
I was afraid to read this post. I can't read too much about losing a spouse these days. But you are so good at what you do I managed to get through it without my daily losing it.
My biggest problem now is that I have zero physical touch. Here's a little tidbit for your readers:
For survival: 4 hugs a day
For maintenance: 8 hugs a day
For growth: 12 hugs a day
Carl and I stayed "in touch" most all the time he was home. We still held hands everywhere we went. He always put his hand on my leg if we were in the car. And we were connected like glue while sleeping. He rubbed my back every night to fall asleep.
There is no way to replace this. I'm wearing down physically due to this lack of touch and affection. I tried massage this week. It helps but not sure if that will continue, and it's expensive, not just anyone will do.
The second biggest problem is that I can't share just anything with anyone. Carl and I had our own language and it was a safe space to be myself. No more. Everything is bottled up. Journaling is no longer helpful, it just isn't. This week I'll try and channel some of this into art, something I have zero talent in but it's not the finished product that counts, it will be the process.
Hi Patti, you have so poignantly described the losses involved. Very true, about the art - it is more about expressing our feelings in a way that has meaning for us than producing a finished product.
Happy Thanksgiving, Janice. Carl always did the cooking, especially meals like this. I am going back to the pilgrim way of eating. I bought a couple turkey legs, cooking them over a bed of carrots, onion, potatoes, apples. And garlic. I rubbed with olive oil and spices.
It's in honor and loving memory of the man who single-handedly kept me nourished, and taught me to not be afraid of experimenting in the kitchen. I loved watching him work, I did a lot of the prep and the cleanup. I also learned how to use a knife so I don't whack my fingers off. There's that, for a little humor.
Happy Thanksgiving, Patti. That sounds like a very healthy, delicious dinner. I am going out to dinner with family, but the great-granddaughters will be there, so it's a special treat.
You expressed so well that special bond of affection , intimacy and deep connection you and your husband shared , that special touch and hug which meant total trust and openness of the self without judgment but acceptance of you with all your strength and weakness.Best.of all it's mutual. That's what I miss so much snd time will not heal.
Thank you, Doris. I wish for you peace of mind and that for we who have lost our soul mates, we are still thankful for our own lives, today. I have to focus on this so that I don’t give up.
Beautiful, poignant, true words of love and loss. Thank you Janice. I am "not (yet) in this situation " but as an almost 55 years wed couple either of us will/would be feeling what you wrote about. It's an inevitability which is hard to even consider but it's a tough part of life lived with love & your own best friend. Sending my best to you.
Hi Denyse, That is the long and short of it, I guess, having the joy of living and loving one's best friend - and then losing them.
Found your Substack today, Janice. Love your content :) I was wondering about your take on physical loneliness. I didn't see it referenced, but I do imagine that not having the physical presence of your partner would be deep as well. I am relatively new to Substack and write The Truth About Grief in case you'd like to check it out: karensibal.substack.com. Thanks so much :))
Such a powerful topic and honest perspective. Thank you so much.
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