Balancing Who We Were With Who We Are
A Spousal Caregiver's Dilemma
When I was first getting used to the idea of being a caregiver and what that entailed, my daughter and I had numerous discussions about her Dad’s mental health and failing memory. During those conversation, it became crystal clear that I could no longer be the wife I’d been for over 60 years. These new circumstances would require a different model.
Dan and I met when we were 12, married when we were 19, and shared our lives for 62 years. For 57 of those years, he was an intelligent, take-charge, problem-solving guy—head of the house and all-around good man - almost overnight that changed. I had no idea how much those changes would impact us and our relationship.
Anyone who cares for a spouse, whether the health issue is dementia, cancer, depression, chronic pain, or something else, faces a similar dilemma - moving from the relationship they had to the one they must now have.
According to a 2015 joint report by the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, about one in ten caregivers look after a spouse. Reminders include:
Expect changes—lots of them. The most challenging change was accepting that we were no longer a couple in the way we were.
Reassess your roles. We went from being a team to my being the parent and him the child. He resented my telling him what to do, and I did not want to be in charge.
Resist taking on everything. I tried doing that and was unsuccessful.
Avoid isolation. Part of the caretaking took place during the pandemic, isolation was a significant issue and created an additional set of problems.
Cultivate healthy communication. For years—we discussed, negotiated, and rarely argued. But in the final months, we no longer had rational conversations and fought constantly.
Guard against depression - Depression was a significant issue for both of us.
The Family Care Alliance website suggests that spousal caregiving involves social, emotional, and physical issues. Handling emotions brought forth by the need to care for a spouse can be incredibly draining.
A major social issue for me was embarrassment. Dan’s filters were gone, and he said whatever came to mind - which were often loud, unkind comments. For that reason, I hesitated to take him places.
The most challenging emotional issue was watching the person I loved and shared my life with lose ground weekly.
Physical issues included no longer exercising or sleeping well; he wandered and got lost in the apartment. I had to keep track of him and lost a lot of sleep worrying.
Two other websites that might be useful as you experience this changing role are:
Balancing Being A Caregiver and a Spouse -"This role can quickly become overwhelming - often one spouse has a chronic condition that will remain for the rest of their life, and without help, the toll it takes on the healthier spouse can easily lead to their decline.”
Caregiving for Spouses and Partners—Changes in a spouse's physical, mental, or emotional health can profoundly affect relationships. One partner can take on the role of caregiver for the other.
On another note, I recently discovered the newsletter Aging Independently. The articles offer solid medical and lifestyle news about aging alone, topics include:
practical ways to combat issues such as lack of money, working in later years, and building a support network
learning to rely on oneself
self-image, loneliness, and feeling invisible
The article Gardening for Body and Mind stood out for me. I started gardening 60 years ago and experienced how therapeutic it is.
Knowing this kind of information as I became a caregiver and began living alone might have made the journey easier.
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Anyone who cares for a spouse faces a similar dilemma - moving from the relationship they had to the one they must now have.
I can't imagine how difficult this was. It's hard enough reconciling who I am now with who I was then without the arduous task of caring for someone with dementia.