Forgiveness and Letting Go

: Steps to Emotional Freedom and Growth

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

My struggle with self-forgiveness began about ten years ago, when I started caring for my husband of 60 years, as he dealt with the stages of dementia. Over time, this gentle, loving man became a cranky, obstinate, argumentative person, and I wasn’t always who I wanted to be with him. I could be affectionate, understanding, and gentle, but I was also resentful, worried, frustrated, and confused. We, who had never argued before, were arguing constantly, and I had to make tough decisions despite his wishes.

After he died, and as I started the next chapter of my life, I made mistakes and learned, but I didn’t necessarily forgive myself for making them.

I have a pretty good handle on forgiving others. I understand that people are doing the best they can at the time, given their circumstances and the person they are. But I haven’t been as good at forgiving myself.

However, I recently learned something new: self-forgiveness has two key components: being compassionate towards the self, and letting go.

Self-forgiveness

Everyone makes mistakes, but learning how to forgive ourselves is often harder than forgiving others. Whether we struggle with self-compassion or wonder how to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, the process takes time and specific steps.

Experts say that self-forgiveness starts with accepting responsibility and understanding that mistakes don't define us. It's a process of healing and moving forward, rather than dwelling on the past. By learning from our mistakes and focusing on positive change, theoretically, we can cultivate inner peace and well-being.

Health Line provides a list of ways to build self-forgiveness. These are a few favorites.

• Focus on emotions - recognize and accept them. They do pass.

• Consider a mistake as a learning experience; identify the lesson to be learned.

• Mentally set aside feelings and thoughts about mistakes by placing them in a bottle until or unless it’s necessary to revisit them.

• Notice self-criticalness and label the behavior.

I do all of them. However, it’s not just a matter of forgiveness; it’s also a matter of letting go, releasing attachments to situations, thoughts, and feelings.

Letting Go

Acknowledging mistakes is one thing, but letting them go is an entirely different matter. It involves acknowledging our emotions, accepting the situation, and actively choosing to move forward.

Author Farah Ayaad discussed letting go in an article for Thought Catalog. She “spoke” to me in many ways, and I wanted to share a few of them with you.

Letting go of a loved one who died means accepting or acknowledging they are never coming back, which doesn’t mean being happy about it - only that it won’t change, and life continues.

Letting go of the person we think we should be means allowing ourselves to be the person we are. It means doing things we’re not comfortable with, doing things differently, and doing different things. It also means asking for help, saying “no,” or “I can’t.”

Letting go means being kind when we’re hurt, being understanding when we can’t see the point, having faith when our mind is clouded with doubt, and being loving when our heart is breaking.

Those words provide a path forward. It’s time to let go of the past - my husband died about five years ago. The life we shared won’t return. It’s in my best interest to accept that I did the best I could at the time, learned a great deal, and would approach things differently today.

I’ve had to learn many things, such as how to troubleshoot computer problems, change the battery on the fire alarm, making many mistakes along the way. I need to release my desire to do everything perfectly, as well as the fears and doubts that hold me back.

A key to aging well is “creating my place in the world. Doing the things I want, that get me going, and that give me reasons to live.” That means forgiving myself, letting go of who I should be, and becoming the person I want to be - a work in progress at this point.

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Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. Her book Aging Well: 30 Lessons for Making the Most of Your Later Years is available on Amazon, and she has written articles for Substack for four years.