Everybody makes missteps, but learning how to forgive ourselves is often harder than forgiving others. Whether we struggle with self-compassion or wonder how to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, the process takes time and specific steps.
Such a kind, empathetic piece this is, Janice. I went through the same emotions you did with your dear husband in the long long care of my mom. So many regrets after her death. Finally, I just tell myself I did the very best I could. It was not perfect, but I gave it my all. I tell myself it is ALL learning. And I learned a whole lot about my capabilities during that hard time. We are both getting there. Recovery from trauma takes time.
Hi Sharron, I know that I did the very best I could at the time, and, as you say, I learned a great deal about my capabilities during that period. Hidden strenghts, I didn't know existed.
My husband is 86, I am just about 80. We are 56 years married and often say to each other that we are old now and need to be more patient and forgiving. I am grateful that I lived this long, in good health, and that I have him by my side. We take it day be day, I get up each morning in gratitude for having him in my life for so long. I loved what you wrote and will read it over again and share with my friend who is in the very early stage of AD. Thank you, you are appreciated.
Thank you, Noel. I love what you said about being grateful for having him at your side for so long. Many people don't realize what they had until it's no longer there. We met when we were 12, grew up together, and were married for 62 years - a part of me is missing.
I agree with your point about G-d forgiving; I, too, think He does. It's been me with the problem. And it didn't seem to start until I began caregiving, and I wasn't the person I wanted to be in that situation.
A well written piece. Yes, self-forgiveness is more difficult than forgiving others. And when you think about it, why would it be so? Why would we hold ourself to a higher standard? Is there pride or arrogance interwoven?Why would we think we are less than worthy to forgive ourselves? Is there shame interwoven?
I have learned about this long ago, and the self forgiveness practice, has become easier with time. Make no mistake about it, it is a practice. One must be willing to do the interior work.
I cared for my mother as she was dying from cancer, my husband as he suffered a nervous breakdown and now my dear friend who has Alzheimer's. In each scenario, they were magnificent teachers for me as I cared for them. I learned patience, humor, compassion, generosity and the list goes on. Am I boasting? Certainly not, I am grateful, because I had no idea how deep the well is, when learning the things most necessary to truly care and be cared for is. We are, each one, far greater than we think as well as far smaller than we think.
When one is the caretaker, he/she/ become a midwife, a vessel of healing. It is G-D'S Grace that flows.Self forgiveness is recognizing that, that very flow must not be dammed by unnecessary blockages.
Hi, those are questions I ask myself as well, because there is undoubtedly a double standard at play. I hold myself to a higher standard - and why is that?
Like you, I discovered that my well is deeper than I thought, and caregiving has changed me dramatically.
Your point is well taken about unnecessary blockages.
Why is this so hard?!🤣 It seems to me that letting go is the lesson of my lifetime, the one I have not mastered that is the key to everything. Thank you for this excellent essay and for sharing Farah's great article.
So fine to see comments that have touched others as well, both emotionally and thoughtfully. Even understanding that healing is never complete and takes patience, emotionally that is completely different. As are letting go and accepting fully who you are.
My hand is raised as one of those who continues to make mistakes unnecessarily. But I don't seem to listen to myself clearly: am I so hard of hearing?
Hi, Jill. That part surprised me - the emotional toll this has taken and continues to take, over the years. I want to attribute the repeated mistakes to ingrained habits and a desire to stay within my comfort zone.
Everybody makes missteps, but learning how to forgive ourselves is often harder than forgiving others. Whether we struggle with self-compassion or wonder how to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, the process takes time and specific steps.
This is a great read. Thank you for sharing this. Any person that has lost a loved one can appreciate this article. Life is a process.
Such a kind, empathetic piece this is, Janice. I went through the same emotions you did with your dear husband in the long long care of my mom. So many regrets after her death. Finally, I just tell myself I did the very best I could. It was not perfect, but I gave it my all. I tell myself it is ALL learning. And I learned a whole lot about my capabilities during that hard time. We are both getting there. Recovery from trauma takes time.
Hi Sharron, I know that I did the very best I could at the time, and, as you say, I learned a great deal about my capabilities during that period. Hidden strenghts, I didn't know existed.
My husband is 86, I am just about 80. We are 56 years married and often say to each other that we are old now and need to be more patient and forgiving. I am grateful that I lived this long, in good health, and that I have him by my side. We take it day be day, I get up each morning in gratitude for having him in my life for so long. I loved what you wrote and will read it over again and share with my friend who is in the very early stage of AD. Thank you, you are appreciated.
Thank you, Noel. I love what you said about being grateful for having him at your side for so long. Many people don't realize what they had until it's no longer there. We met when we were 12, grew up together, and were married for 62 years - a part of me is missing.
As I get older it’s easier to forgive myself. I also ask G-d for forgiveness and know He does.
I agree with your point about G-d forgiving; I, too, think He does. It's been me with the problem. And it didn't seem to start until I began caregiving, and I wasn't the person I wanted to be in that situation.
Understand, forgive, let go, let be
A well written piece. Yes, self-forgiveness is more difficult than forgiving others. And when you think about it, why would it be so? Why would we hold ourself to a higher standard? Is there pride or arrogance interwoven?Why would we think we are less than worthy to forgive ourselves? Is there shame interwoven?
I have learned about this long ago, and the self forgiveness practice, has become easier with time. Make no mistake about it, it is a practice. One must be willing to do the interior work.
I cared for my mother as she was dying from cancer, my husband as he suffered a nervous breakdown and now my dear friend who has Alzheimer's. In each scenario, they were magnificent teachers for me as I cared for them. I learned patience, humor, compassion, generosity and the list goes on. Am I boasting? Certainly not, I am grateful, because I had no idea how deep the well is, when learning the things most necessary to truly care and be cared for is. We are, each one, far greater than we think as well as far smaller than we think.
When one is the caretaker, he/she/ become a midwife, a vessel of healing. It is G-D'S Grace that flows.Self forgiveness is recognizing that, that very flow must not be dammed by unnecessary blockages.
Hi, those are questions I ask myself as well, because there is undoubtedly a double standard at play. I hold myself to a higher standard - and why is that?
Like you, I discovered that my well is deeper than I thought, and caregiving has changed me dramatically.
Your point is well taken about unnecessary blockages.
Why is this so hard?!🤣 It seems to me that letting go is the lesson of my lifetime, the one I have not mastered that is the key to everything. Thank you for this excellent essay and for sharing Farah's great article.
Hi Donna, That's a good question. Farah's article was certainly an eye-opener for me.
So fine to see comments that have touched others as well, both emotionally and thoughtfully. Even understanding that healing is never complete and takes patience, emotionally that is completely different. As are letting go and accepting fully who you are.
My hand is raised as one of those who continues to make mistakes unnecessarily. But I don't seem to listen to myself clearly: am I so hard of hearing?
Probably. Aren't we all?
Hi, Jill. That part surprised me - the emotional toll this has taken and continues to take, over the years. I want to attribute the repeated mistakes to ingrained habits and a desire to stay within my comfort zone.