Becoming My Own Rock
This article is the fourth in a series of articles that came to mind the past few weeks—a series I hadn’t planned to write.
I first looked at whether or not my assumptions about issues that might arise for an older single woman were correct.
Then, I examined whether the problems I anticipated after Dan died were valid and what was missed.
The third article reassessed what’s true for me today and what I want for the rest of my life. These articles appear to be stepping stones in my goal of being my own rock.
In the article The Trip, I mentioned the book Look For Me There. It was written by Luke Russert, the 30-year-old son of Tim Russert, the American television journalist and lawyer who moderated Meet the Press for years before dying in 2008.
In the book, Luke chronicles his three-year journey to overcome his father's death and find himself—which has been my journey for the past four years—to overcome Dan’s death and find myself.
His words introduced me to the path forward.
‘When he died, my rock was gone.’ But he realized, ‘You don’t need the rock of Dad; you can forge your own rock. I am my own person. I need not look to others for guidance. I need to start noticing the voice within.’
Luke realized his Dad wanted him to become self-reliant and lead his own life. I think Dan would wish the same for me.
Since reading the book, I’ve been building, resisting, and talking about being my rock. There has been progress and setbacks, and there will continue to be. I’m now prepared to take another step in that direction - advocating for myself.
Without the ability to self-advocate, I go along and get along. If I don’t value myself and use my voice, I’m giving myself over to the expectations of others.
Advocating means speaking up rather than relying on others—having the confidence to say when I don't think something is right, voicing my opinions rather than sitting back and letting anyone make decisions for me.
It means claiming control over my life - no matter my age, knowing my rights, and meeting my responsibilities to myself clearly and competently without infringing on others’ ability to do the same.
The website Therapy2Change asks and answers the question, "What Does Self-Advocacy Look Like?" These ideas stood out.
Believe in Who We Are - Imagine what it might feel like to say “no,” propose an alternate idea, or tell your truth.
Decide what You Want—Don’t allow niceness to dictate your course.
Assert Yourself - Learn to disagree calmly without neglecting your perspective or damaging another person.
Be Firm, Positive, and Persistent - A “nice life” pales in comparison to a person who can smile authentically, look a person in the eye, and demand respect.
The list is long, but maybe a good next step is to choose a couple, like believing in myself and not allowing niceness to dictate my course as a starting place.
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I’ve been building, resisting, and talking about being my own rock. There has been progress and setbacks, and there will continue to be. I’m now prepared to take another step in that direction.
Always sounded so simple, yet is one I am still working on.