The Relationship That Shapes Everything Else

Why Our Connection With Ourselves Matters More As We Age

Photo by Joey Pedras on Unsplash

It’s becoming increasingly clear that a relationship I’ve neglected over the years is the one with myself. I know why: wanting to be liked, making friends, and succeeding in the world were more important.

Putting others first worked for a very long time. However, it seems like my ‘giving bucket’ has run dry, and I’m tired. My body and my heart are now asking, “What about me?”

Experts say the relationship we have with ourselves is the foundation of mental well-being, influencing how we interact with others and handle life. It requires understanding our emotions and using positive self-talk to build resilience and self-worth.

They also say that building this relationship involves practicing self-care, setting boundaries, acknowledging emotions, and spending time alone. Important habits include journaling, daily exercise, pursuing personal hobbies, and speaking kindly to ourselves to foster self-trust. These habits should be part of a non-negotiable, proactive relationship and a lifelong journey, rather than a one-time task; a continuous process of self-discovery, compassion, and acceptance.

What I’m finding:

• While journaling, daily exercise, and personal hobbies are helpful, what matters most now seems to be time alone, being kinder to myself, and fostering self-trust.

• The fact that our bodies’ needs and desires change as we age was something I hadn’t considered.

Experts claim that building a relationship with ourselves in older adulthood, especially if we’ve not done so already, is a journey toward planned action, self-compassion, and curiosity that could transform solitude into a fulfilling, independent life.

What I’m finding:

• This task seems formidable. However, there are steps I can take.

• I enjoy the solitude, which surprises me.

• One important aspect for me is permitting myself to let go of the person I was and to focus on the person I am now. More about that next week.

Experts explain that building a relationship with ourselves as older adults involves moving from seeking others’ approval to listening to our own needs, emotions, and values.

What I’m finding:

• I’m in a huge self-discovery phase right now - figuring out who I am and can be at this age.

• However, self-compassion has been pretty much ignored in the process.

• I continue to listen to what others say, but I’m also listening more closely to my body, my values, and my emotions. Listening to them entails a real effort to trust myself more.

They note that after a lifetime of taking care of others—a pattern often referred to as chronic people-pleasing—we should take intentional steps to reconnect with our own needs and identity—both of which may have changed over time. This is not about being selfish, but about moving from "selfless" to "self-full."

What I’m finding:

• I’ve spent most of my life helping others, and it’s somewhat painful to let that go and reconnect with my needs and identity now.

• However, my plan is to gently incorporate the following practices.

  • Without judging, notice when I ignore myself to please others, say “yes” when I want to say “no,” or hide my honest feelings to keep the peace.

  • Decide what I’m willing to do and what I'm not. The word “no” can be a complete sentence requiring no apology or lengthy explanation.

  • Set aside specific times for activities that rejuvenate: reading, playing the piano, or doing art.

  • Reflect on what truly matters to me—not what others expect. This helps me set a long-term vision and prevents my days from feeling meaningless.

  • Begin asserting myself by saying no to small requests and expressing my opinion more freely.

A shift in our relationship with ourselves may lead to a better quality of life as we age, and it seems to be another piece of the aging well puzzle. As we change, the quality of our lives changes—and sometimes that requires us to let go of earlier versions.

A question we might want to ask ourselves is: How am I relating to myself at this stage of my life?

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles.