A shift in our relationship with ourselves may lead to a better quality of life as we age, and it seems to be another piece of the aging well puzzle. As we change, the quality of our lives changes—and sometimes that requires us to let go of earlier versions.
I’m not much into naming things like ‘relationship with myself’ but I know I am fiercely defending my personal time and mental capacity. Love following your growth.
Sounds like you are talking directly to me here, Janice -- "my ‘giving bucket’ has run dry, and I’m tired." Exhausted is more like it. Everything -- including self-care, takes so much more time and effort these days. I am on the road from selfless to self-full, Janice, and more and more I am able to just stand up and say "Help me, please." My life of being fiercely independent is slipping away, and it is okay! Thanks for your encouragement.
By the way - I am not sure what kind of magic you are doing for me lately, but I have eight new subscribers this week, and six of them come from Aging Well Newsletter. Thank you.
It is definitely my pleasure. to send subscribers your way. I think my need to be fiercely independent is being revised as well. I don't know what happened, but the newsletter's subscriber count has gone way up lately.
Let’s image that we’ve lived our lives in a cocoon; we die if we don’t emerge. And like the caterpillar that enters the cocoon, we emerge as butterflies, with stories, and history inside us supporting our new self. It’s a journey of heart and mind.
Hi Eileen, what an interesting analogy! I wonder if, in the cocoon stage, we develop our mental health, which in turn helps prevent burnout and ensures we have the energy to help others?
We may very well develop stronger mental health, but I think it’s a combination of things: how we perceive ourselves; our lives; our wants and our needs. When these are congruent we then can become butterflies.
I love this Jan. I’m a bit Tahoe for a few days looking out at the lake by myself. Well, I have my dog with me. And my son said you’re up there alone. And for the first time I can remember I didn’t feel any shame about it. I wanted to be alone and I did what I wanted. And I’m being very careful where I put my time. I’m doing what you’re doing and trying to have a lot of self understanding and compassion for what I want and not what others have asked me to do. Thank you.
Hi Suki, Lake Tahoe and alone, that sounds absolutely lovely. Maybe it's our age - mine much older than yours - that's brought about the desire for reflection and realignment. Next week's article is about giving ourselves permission to let go of who we were and embrace who we are now. It sounds like you're doing just that.
Thank you Janice. I feel a little bit of the guilt about saying no to my granddaughter’s request for her and her 2 year old son to move in with me and my 77 year old husband. She has 2 sets of parents who work full time and have the space. I can’t take that on at this point in my life.
Hi Dawn, I can certainly see that being a difficult decision - and at the same time it seems like a wise one. I'm reminded of when my Mom asked me if she could come live with us, and I had to say no. Not easy decisions to be asked to make.
It's inspiring to read that you are in a self-discovery stage Janice. I feel like I have been in that stage my whole life so it's unlikely to change but your essay is a reminder to keep going deeper within.
From selfless to self-full." I'm going to be sitting with that phrase for a while.
What strikes me most in what you've written is the honesty about self-compassion being the piece that got skipped. I recognize that completely. I spent years doing the inner work — or what I thought was the inner work — while still being absolutely merciless toward myself in the process. Working on yourself with a whip in your hand isn't healing. It's just a more sophisticated version of performing.
The part about permitting yourself to let go of the person you were landed hard for me too. I think a lot of women our age are carrying two people simultaneously — the one we've always been and the one we're becoming — and the weight of both is exhausting. At some point you have to set one of them down.
What I've found is that the relationship with yourself doesn't get built through practices and habits as much as it gets built through honesty. The moment you stop explaining yourself to yourself is the moment something shifts.
Your question at the end — how am I relating to myself at this stage of life — is the one worth putting on the bathroom mirror.
Hi Monica, Thank you for your most insightful posts. It wasn't until my husband died and I was a single older woman on my own for the first time that the lack of self-compassion came to light. In my mind, I needed to be perfect, to carry on for both of us, and be a burden to no one - that's not to mention the unanticipated changes in my body and the emotions involved. I was furious with myself for not being able to live up to those high, actually impossible standards. So, it's been a time of deep reflection as I begin the journey of being kinder and gentler with myself now.
A shift in our relationship with ourselves may lead to a better quality of life as we age, and it seems to be another piece of the aging well puzzle. As we change, the quality of our lives changes—and sometimes that requires us to let go of earlier versions.
Reading this felt strangely familiar.
Not because anyone copied anyone, but because more and more people are beginning to recognize the same thing:
after decades of caregiving, performing, pleasing, producing, and managing everyone else’s comfort… many of us are finally meeting ourselves.
What fascinates me is how differently people approach the subject.
Some approach it clinically.
Some spiritually.
Some psychologically.
I’ve approached it as a woman living it in real time.
Not from theory.
From the silence and my own rebuilding.
And maybe that’s why this conversation is getting louder everywhere right now.
People are tired of maintaining lives that no longer fit.
Beautifully said! This is truly a wonderful time of life to spend some time getting to know ourselves and to feel gratitude for our life. (late 70’s)
I’m not much into naming things like ‘relationship with myself’ but I know I am fiercely defending my personal time and mental capacity. Love following your growth.
Sounds like you are talking directly to me here, Janice -- "my ‘giving bucket’ has run dry, and I’m tired." Exhausted is more like it. Everything -- including self-care, takes so much more time and effort these days. I am on the road from selfless to self-full, Janice, and more and more I am able to just stand up and say "Help me, please." My life of being fiercely independent is slipping away, and it is okay! Thanks for your encouragement.
By the way - I am not sure what kind of magic you are doing for me lately, but I have eight new subscribers this week, and six of them come from Aging Well Newsletter. Thank you.
It is definitely my pleasure. to send subscribers your way. I think my need to be fiercely independent is being revised as well. I don't know what happened, but the newsletter's subscriber count has gone way up lately.
👍🏻❤️
Let’s image that we’ve lived our lives in a cocoon; we die if we don’t emerge. And like the caterpillar that enters the cocoon, we emerge as butterflies, with stories, and history inside us supporting our new self. It’s a journey of heart and mind.
Hi Eileen, what an interesting analogy! I wonder if, in the cocoon stage, we develop our mental health, which in turn helps prevent burnout and ensures we have the energy to help others?
We may very well develop stronger mental health, but I think it’s a combination of things: how we perceive ourselves; our lives; our wants and our needs. When these are congruent we then can become butterflies.
I love this Jan. I’m a bit Tahoe for a few days looking out at the lake by myself. Well, I have my dog with me. And my son said you’re up there alone. And for the first time I can remember I didn’t feel any shame about it. I wanted to be alone and I did what I wanted. And I’m being very careful where I put my time. I’m doing what you’re doing and trying to have a lot of self understanding and compassion for what I want and not what others have asked me to do. Thank you.
Hi Suki, Lake Tahoe and alone, that sounds absolutely lovely. Maybe it's our age - mine much older than yours - that's brought about the desire for reflection and realignment. Next week's article is about giving ourselves permission to let go of who we were and embrace who we are now. It sounds like you're doing just that.
Thank you Janice. I feel a little bit of the guilt about saying no to my granddaughter’s request for her and her 2 year old son to move in with me and my 77 year old husband. She has 2 sets of parents who work full time and have the space. I can’t take that on at this point in my life.
Hi Dawn, I can certainly see that being a difficult decision - and at the same time it seems like a wise one. I'm reminded of when my Mom asked me if she could come live with us, and I had to say no. Not easy decisions to be asked to make.
It's inspiring to read that you are in a self-discovery stage Janice. I feel like I have been in that stage my whole life so it's unlikely to change but your essay is a reminder to keep going deeper within.
Hi Donna, In some ways, I have been, too, but this has been a particularly insightful part of the journey, it seems.
From selfless to self-full." I'm going to be sitting with that phrase for a while.
What strikes me most in what you've written is the honesty about self-compassion being the piece that got skipped. I recognize that completely. I spent years doing the inner work — or what I thought was the inner work — while still being absolutely merciless toward myself in the process. Working on yourself with a whip in your hand isn't healing. It's just a more sophisticated version of performing.
The part about permitting yourself to let go of the person you were landed hard for me too. I think a lot of women our age are carrying two people simultaneously — the one we've always been and the one we're becoming — and the weight of both is exhausting. At some point you have to set one of them down.
What I've found is that the relationship with yourself doesn't get built through practices and habits as much as it gets built through honesty. The moment you stop explaining yourself to yourself is the moment something shifts.
Your question at the end — how am I relating to myself at this stage of life — is the one worth putting on the bathroom mirror.
Thank you for asking it out loud.
Hi Monica, Thank you for your most insightful posts. It wasn't until my husband died and I was a single older woman on my own for the first time that the lack of self-compassion came to light. In my mind, I needed to be perfect, to carry on for both of us, and be a burden to no one - that's not to mention the unanticipated changes in my body and the emotions involved. I was furious with myself for not being able to live up to those high, actually impossible standards. So, it's been a time of deep reflection as I begin the journey of being kinder and gentler with myself now.