Three Years - A Widow
It Doesn't Seem Possible
On January 22, 2021, a Hospice worker called me at 3:15 in the morning to tell me that Dan was dying. I talked to him for a few moments and said goodbye. Fifteen minutes later, the Hospice worker called again. Dan had died. He was in a memory care facility that was on lockdown because of the pandemic, and I was not physically with him.
On one hand, I was relieved because I knew he wouldn’t want to live, given the dementia and complications from COVID that were ravaging his mind and body. On the other hand, I was numb; my partner and friend - my love of 65 years - was no longer here.
My parents and my brother died years ago - I was sad and missed them, but I was not prepared for the depth of the loss after Dan died. Everything changed: my identity, my role, my habits, my life purpose, and my dreams.
Life has gone on, I’ve adjusted, and many good things have happened since then - trips that I would never taken, a new hobby - art, and a new “job” writing this newsletter. I appreciate the life I now have very much.
I’m certainly not the same person I was three years ago. I’ve proven that, for the most part, I can take care of myself, which is good. I have a plan and goals for the future.
Be that as it may, there remains a constant sadness in me that I don’t think will ever go away. My life is unequivocally changed - and it wasn’t a change I wanted or planned for. I miss him more than I could have imagined.
I wrote the article Walk in the Woods about a year ago and wanted to share it again.
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I’m certainly not the same person I was three years ago. I’ve proven that, for the most part, I can take care of myself, which is good. I have a plan and goals for the future. But . . .
Janice, I'm glad I found you. You're sharing the details is really amazing and helpful for many of us. Some were caregivers, others are preparing to do so. You helped me through some serious guilt issues. I can't imagine being with anyone for 65 years and then saying goodbye. It's the same as losing an arm or a leg. You are doing wonderful, and your'e walking through (successfully) the aftermath of pain, loss, and grief. I commend your fortitude and courage. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words. I appreciate you.