I’m certainly not the same person I was three years ago. I’ve proven that, for the most part, I can take care of myself, which is good. I have a plan and goals for the future. But . . .
Janice, I'm glad I found you. You're sharing the details is really amazing and helpful for many of us. Some were caregivers, others are preparing to do so. You helped me through some serious guilt issues. I can't imagine being with anyone for 65 years and then saying goodbye. It's the same as losing an arm or a leg. You are doing wonderful, and your'e walking through (successfully) the aftermath of pain, loss, and grief. I commend your fortitude and courage. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words. I appreciate you.
Walking in the Woods was beautiful. I think the Japanese term it Forest-Bathing and it has tremendous healing qualities.
In respect of our love for our spouses, family, friends - it goes on in our memories. And if it sustains us that's perfectly okay. If the grief pervades and weighs one down though, I imagine it might be time to seek help to guide one through. Grief is a funny thing - always its own boss, at times whimsical and joyful and at times rather like an albatross around the neck.
I would always look for help if it ever became the latter. I did when my dad died because I was unable to grieve as my mother needed my help so badly after the loss of the love of her life. After Mum died, I was able to assimilate the grief pattern and had learned a lot. Her passing away was more gentle on my psyche.
My pets have caused similar grieving patterns - so loved, so missed. Friends likewise.
But if it was my husband? It's an unknown. We are so sympatico - perhaps like you and Dan. Knowing me, I would probably seek help from professionals and from Nature.
Hi Prue, Nature and the cats seem to be helping the process, so true. How well said, grief sometimes bringing a smile and sometimes bringing a tear. What has surprised me is that when my Mom. Dad, and brother died - I missed them and was sad, but this one has taken longer to come to terms with.
The depth of your love + the longevity of the relationship is only one part of the equation. I feel the inability to be with Dan in those final days & moments has exacerbated your grief. You've done a wonderful job 'moving forward' but a grief counselor might be able to expedite the healing, and I think Dan would want that for you. Like nature, our pets, hobbies, etc. professional help is another tool to help us build the new life we didn't want. But, as a professional yourself, you know this. Give yourself every advantage available because you deserve it. ❤️
Every time I read about how you were unable to be with your husband when he passed away I get sad, frustrated and angry for you. I know the rules had to be in place during the pandemic to keep the people in those centers safe but...there are so many buts.
Sending you love as you navigate this difficult anniversary. I know I've said it before Janice, but thank you for sharing your story, it helps me and so many others.
Hi Donna, Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. The writing has been so much a part of the healing process and I am so grateful to have been allowed to do it.
65 years, that in and of itself stops me in my tracks, also brings tears to my eyes. How blessed you were, and how difficult this journey without Dan must be. I love that you are here, on Substack, sharing your story encouraging others. 💜
Had I read this seven years ago, I would not really have understood it. Up to that time, I thought grief and sadness were the same thing. With the death of my mother, I understood they were not. I feel for you here, Janice, and I truly understand. As always, thank you for reaching out. Sometimes I feel your post are written just for me.
Janice, I'm so happy that you're finding your place after three long, sad years. I know the grieving goes on, but there is that turning point where we get to be ourselves now. If you're anything like me, and I think you are, it's thrilling and terrifying. And freeing. That's the surprise for me. How free I feel now, though there is some guilt attached. I wouldn't be this free if Ed were here. That thought sometimes gets in the way of my doing anything too pleasurable--as if I shouldn't because he can't. And then I remember that nothing is going to change the fact that he is gone. And he's not coming back.
If I could change that I would, but I can't, so it's kind of foolish to deny myself happiness when denying it isn't going to change anything, either.
I didn't realize you had quoted me in that earlier piece. I missed it somehow. Thank you for that, too. It helps to know we're in this together, discovering new paths for our lives and sharing what we've learned. ❤
Hi Ramona, So very true about the freedom. I have done so many things and gone so many places that I couldn't have - particularly during the caregiving years. So, yes, it wasn't what I planned, but it's also not going to change. Let's do it. So glad we are in this together.
I’m certainly not the same person I was three years ago. I’ve proven that, for the most part, I can take care of myself, which is good. I have a plan and goals for the future. But . . .
Janice, I'm glad I found you. You're sharing the details is really amazing and helpful for many of us. Some were caregivers, others are preparing to do so. You helped me through some serious guilt issues. I can't imagine being with anyone for 65 years and then saying goodbye. It's the same as losing an arm or a leg. You are doing wonderful, and your'e walking through (successfully) the aftermath of pain, loss, and grief. I commend your fortitude and courage. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words. I appreciate you.
well put. I feel the same!
Walking in the Woods was beautiful. I think the Japanese term it Forest-Bathing and it has tremendous healing qualities.
In respect of our love for our spouses, family, friends - it goes on in our memories. And if it sustains us that's perfectly okay. If the grief pervades and weighs one down though, I imagine it might be time to seek help to guide one through. Grief is a funny thing - always its own boss, at times whimsical and joyful and at times rather like an albatross around the neck.
I would always look for help if it ever became the latter. I did when my dad died because I was unable to grieve as my mother needed my help so badly after the loss of the love of her life. After Mum died, I was able to assimilate the grief pattern and had learned a lot. Her passing away was more gentle on my psyche.
My pets have caused similar grieving patterns - so loved, so missed. Friends likewise.
But if it was my husband? It's an unknown. We are so sympatico - perhaps like you and Dan. Knowing me, I would probably seek help from professionals and from Nature.
Hi Prue, Nature and the cats seem to be helping the process, so true. How well said, grief sometimes bringing a smile and sometimes bringing a tear. What has surprised me is that when my Mom. Dad, and brother died - I missed them and was sad, but this one has taken longer to come to terms with.
Ah, but Dan was a soulmate. Big difference.
And that is the truth of it.
The depth of your love + the longevity of the relationship is only one part of the equation. I feel the inability to be with Dan in those final days & moments has exacerbated your grief. You've done a wonderful job 'moving forward' but a grief counselor might be able to expedite the healing, and I think Dan would want that for you. Like nature, our pets, hobbies, etc. professional help is another tool to help us build the new life we didn't want. But, as a professional yourself, you know this. Give yourself every advantage available because you deserve it. ❤️
Every time I read about how you were unable to be with your husband when he passed away I get sad, frustrated and angry for you. I know the rules had to be in place during the pandemic to keep the people in those centers safe but...there are so many buts.
Sending you love as you navigate this difficult anniversary. I know I've said it before Janice, but thank you for sharing your story, it helps me and so many others.
Hi Donna, Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. The writing has been so much a part of the healing process and I am so grateful to have been allowed to do it.
65 years, that in and of itself stops me in my tracks, also brings tears to my eyes. How blessed you were, and how difficult this journey without Dan must be. I love that you are here, on Substack, sharing your story encouraging others. 💜
Lots of love. You have done very well these last 3 years
Hi Cali, As you well know, it has been a challenge. Thank you!
Had I read this seven years ago, I would not really have understood it. Up to that time, I thought grief and sadness were the same thing. With the death of my mother, I understood they were not. I feel for you here, Janice, and I truly understand. As always, thank you for reaching out. Sometimes I feel your post are written just for me.
Hi Sharron, true, for me - something is missing - and thank you for being you!
{{Hugs}} & High 5's You give me hope that "It'll Be OK." xoxo
It will, Jan, it will. It's not the same, I wish it were different, and life is good.
Janice, I'm so happy that you're finding your place after three long, sad years. I know the grieving goes on, but there is that turning point where we get to be ourselves now. If you're anything like me, and I think you are, it's thrilling and terrifying. And freeing. That's the surprise for me. How free I feel now, though there is some guilt attached. I wouldn't be this free if Ed were here. That thought sometimes gets in the way of my doing anything too pleasurable--as if I shouldn't because he can't. And then I remember that nothing is going to change the fact that he is gone. And he's not coming back.
If I could change that I would, but I can't, so it's kind of foolish to deny myself happiness when denying it isn't going to change anything, either.
I didn't realize you had quoted me in that earlier piece. I missed it somehow. Thank you for that, too. It helps to know we're in this together, discovering new paths for our lives and sharing what we've learned. ❤
Hi Ramona, So very true about the freedom. I have done so many things and gone so many places that I couldn't have - particularly during the caregiving years. So, yes, it wasn't what I planned, but it's also not going to change. Let's do it. So glad we are in this together.
👍❤️
It must have been so difficult, separated during the pandemic. May you recover from sadness this year while holding the memories close. xoxo
Thank you so much Kate - the pandemic did play a major role . .