Do you see yourself as having personal power - the ability to positively impact people and situations through your actions, communication, and behavior - or do you let others make decisions for you? It may be an essential aspect of aging well.
Thank you, Janice!! This is so insightful. You’re an inspiration and an “influencer” par excellence to many readers and people who know you personally, no doubt. I genuinely appreciate what you say; it certainly speaks to me.
Hi Careen, Thank you so much for your kind words. At this age, I keep thinking that I need to listen to myself more and them less. I can hear what they have to say and see how it fits for me.
It sounds like you are trusting your gut (some call it their heart) and are making the best decisions for you. This all takes awareness and practice. Sounds like you are in a good place at the moment but realize it is work. Congratulations!
Janice, as we've both noticed, we often travel along the same paths. There is something about being old and alone that, if we're lucky, gives us the leisure to begin to take time for ourselves.
A big part of it is in understanding what makes us happy. Because we've finally come to the realization that we deserve to be happy.
I've known for a long time that living in a senior community would be the death of me. As much as I tout the need for 'community' here at Substack, it doesn't mean I want us to live together. Not for a single minute! I don't want to live with anybody, and so far I don't have to. When the time comes that I can't take care of myself, I hope I'm so out of it I don't care. But if it's for physical reasons and not mental and I simply cannot live alone, it'll be family that will see to it that I don't go homeless. I won't have to live in a group home. That's some comfort.
But no, it's not too late to find ourselves, to be happy being ourselves, and to bring happiness to others while we can. The best part of being old is in living as if we've earned this!
Hi Ramona, That is so true for me, as well - moving into a retirement community or an assisted living facility would be a death sentence. I also know that I could live with my daughter and her husband if necessary.
However, I lived with someone until I was 82 years old, and I love this chance to be myself, well, and the cats - for the first time - the peace and quiet, my choices, my bedtime, no television.
On another note, I wanted to say again that the trip to Scotland sounds lovely. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. My favorite place was the Shetland Islands, which were slightly north of the mainland and very quaint.
I'm on a journey towards this recognition of & using my personal power too! I was brought up in a household with a dominant father & whilst I've been married now for over 54 years I had no idea (other than my inner feelings of frustration) of how to make choices of the major kind about & for myself. It's a reason why I became burnt out after a decade of tough stuff including Dad's death. I'm delighted that the inner work I'm doing & with the kindest of husband's' encouragement I am "doing life much better" these days! Still a WIP but I'm with you.. keep our personal needs prime!
Hi Denyse, Bravo to you! I'm so glad to hear of your husband's encouragement; it makes a huge difference. I think my husband would have been supportive as well.
Interesting - i am only in my 60s but this came up with my dad when he was 92. I got him into an assisted living situation - at first he hated it but once he made friends he was very active in the activities. He and my mom really did not socialize alone - once my mom was gone my dad was very lonely and no one could fill the loss of my mom. They made no plans in regards if one died first. They had magical thinking they would both ascend together. I dont regret pushing him more or less into assisted living. U put your loved ones in a very uncomfortable place if u think they will just know how to take care of their old age. I never had kids - have ri figure this out myself. I think most people would say no to assisted living. Hmm
I’ve noticed this a fair amount with elder relatives when they were in their 60s,70s - when family suddenly thinks they know better. Like the elder’s life experience suddenly no longer counted. Different sty when their declining health is a factor, imho. In some cases, the fam suddenly is reluctant to step up. Claim your power while you still can!
I really appreciate the honesty in your story, Janice! It really highlights how reclaiming personal power is just as important to aging well as physical health. Your example is a reminder that choosing senior living options isn’t a “one size fits all”. Honoring personal preferences is every bit as critical as amenities or cost.
I'm not either, Janice. I got married for the first time almost five years ago (September) and can't believe how different I am. In fact, I almost don't recognize myself. Not sure if that's aging or getting aging or getting married, maybe both!
Janice- This is such an important topic; thank you for sharing your experience so clearly and openly.
We're very aligned on this: In my latest book, The New Old, one of the core principles I propose for crafting a great 'third act' is "Be the Boss of Your Life." As you noted, people try to take away our agency when we're old, often with the best of intentions (like your daughter promoting the assisted living facility).
One of the best tools we have, I think, to retain and expand our personal power as we age, is to have a clear vision of the kind of old person we want to be, and the kind of old age we want to have. If we know who we want to be and how we want to live, it's much easier to push back against others' ideas and efforts that don't support that vision.
Hi Erika, I do believe that is key - having that clear vision of who we want to be as we age and what we want it to look like. The catalyst for the newsletter initially was just that - I didn't want to be what I saw coming if I didn't take charge in a better way.
I love that you are choosing to listen to your own voice! And it is very much a choice! I grew up in a home where dad ruled and mom obeyed. Thankfully he was a good man, so it worked out. After he passed, she was terrified of her lack of knowledge. Us kids saw her through her remaining two years. I would have none of that in my marriage. I knew as much as hubby did. When he passed, I was easily able to handle all the decisions, despite the grief and loss.
So glad to see this topic addressed! We must take care of ourselves!
Hi Nancy, that was my household, as well. Dad ruled, and Mom obeyed or finagled her way around his rules, which is what I brought to my marriage. You were so wise to know as much as your hubby did. I'm sure it gave you an advantage when you had to take over. As you say, the grief and loss were there, but you had a handle on things. I so agree with you, we must take care of ourselves.
I particularly love how you address the fact that as you get older, not only do your purposes change, but the whole idea of what your purpose could be changes from hiring things done to finding the skills that you have to change in order to adapt to the changes about you.
Hi Jill, Well said - and so true! The change I struggle with - along those lines - is allowing other people to help me. My husband and I were very independent for years. Now that he is gone and I'm older, I've realized that I can't be as independent as I wanted, so my purpose has to include others who want to help me and let them do so rather than resisting their help and feeling guilty.
Do you see yourself as having personal power - the ability to positively impact people and situations through your actions, communication, and behavior - or do you let others make decisions for you? It may be an essential aspect of aging well.
My dad had a saying about this type
of living arrangement. “They are freeway to Forrest Lawn!”.
Thank you for sharing your insights with us. I’m looking forward to more!
What a wise and uplifting approach to taking charge in our later years. Thank you Janice for this honest, inspirational post.
Hi Paula, thanks so much for your kind words.
Thank you, Janice!! This is so insightful. You’re an inspiration and an “influencer” par excellence to many readers and people who know you personally, no doubt. I genuinely appreciate what you say; it certainly speaks to me.
Hi Careen, Thank you so much for your kind words. At this age, I keep thinking that I need to listen to myself more and them less. I can hear what they have to say and see how it fits for me.
It sounds like you are trusting your gut (some call it their heart) and are making the best decisions for you. This all takes awareness and practice. Sounds like you are in a good place at the moment but realize it is work. Congratulations!
Hi Audrey, That's the goal - listening to me and making the best decisions for me. IN the long run, I know me best.
Janice, as we've both noticed, we often travel along the same paths. There is something about being old and alone that, if we're lucky, gives us the leisure to begin to take time for ourselves.
A big part of it is in understanding what makes us happy. Because we've finally come to the realization that we deserve to be happy.
I've known for a long time that living in a senior community would be the death of me. As much as I tout the need for 'community' here at Substack, it doesn't mean I want us to live together. Not for a single minute! I don't want to live with anybody, and so far I don't have to. When the time comes that I can't take care of myself, I hope I'm so out of it I don't care. But if it's for physical reasons and not mental and I simply cannot live alone, it'll be family that will see to it that I don't go homeless. I won't have to live in a group home. That's some comfort.
But no, it's not too late to find ourselves, to be happy being ourselves, and to bring happiness to others while we can. The best part of being old is in living as if we've earned this!
Hi Ramona, That is so true for me, as well - moving into a retirement community or an assisted living facility would be a death sentence. I also know that I could live with my daughter and her husband if necessary.
However, I lived with someone until I was 82 years old, and I love this chance to be myself, well, and the cats - for the first time - the peace and quiet, my choices, my bedtime, no television.
On another note, I wanted to say again that the trip to Scotland sounds lovely. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. My favorite place was the Shetland Islands, which were slightly north of the mainland and very quaint.
Thank you, Joyce. I’ll look further into the Shetlands!
I love that last sentence: “living as if we’ve eared this!”
I'm on a journey towards this recognition of & using my personal power too! I was brought up in a household with a dominant father & whilst I've been married now for over 54 years I had no idea (other than my inner feelings of frustration) of how to make choices of the major kind about & for myself. It's a reason why I became burnt out after a decade of tough stuff including Dad's death. I'm delighted that the inner work I'm doing & with the kindest of husband's' encouragement I am "doing life much better" these days! Still a WIP but I'm with you.. keep our personal needs prime!
Hi Denyse, Bravo to you! I'm so glad to hear of your husband's encouragement; it makes a huge difference. I think my husband would have been supportive as well.
Interesting - i am only in my 60s but this came up with my dad when he was 92. I got him into an assisted living situation - at first he hated it but once he made friends he was very active in the activities. He and my mom really did not socialize alone - once my mom was gone my dad was very lonely and no one could fill the loss of my mom. They made no plans in regards if one died first. They had magical thinking they would both ascend together. I dont regret pushing him more or less into assisted living. U put your loved ones in a very uncomfortable place if u think they will just know how to take care of their old age. I never had kids - have ri figure this out myself. I think most people would say no to assisted living. Hmm
I’ve noticed this a fair amount with elder relatives when they were in their 60s,70s - when family suddenly thinks they know better. Like the elder’s life experience suddenly no longer counted. Different sty when their declining health is a factor, imho. In some cases, the fam suddenly is reluctant to step up. Claim your power while you still can!
Hi, to me, that's the point - knowing we have the power and claiming it when we can.
I really appreciate the honesty in your story, Janice! It really highlights how reclaiming personal power is just as important to aging well as physical health. Your example is a reminder that choosing senior living options isn’t a “one size fits all”. Honoring personal preferences is every bit as critical as amenities or cost.
Hi, I couldn't agree with you more. It took me a long time to realize the importance of personal power.
Interesting how your gut said no to that facility, even though on paper it looked good
Hi Cali, I agree - and my gut had a very strong response.
If this isn't coming of age I don't know what is. Great article!
Ah, Patti, thank you!! I'm sure not the same person I was five years ago.
I'm not either, Janice. I got married for the first time almost five years ago (September) and can't believe how different I am. In fact, I almost don't recognize myself. Not sure if that's aging or getting aging or getting married, maybe both!
Hi Patti, Or all of the above.
Janice- This is such an important topic; thank you for sharing your experience so clearly and openly.
We're very aligned on this: In my latest book, The New Old, one of the core principles I propose for crafting a great 'third act' is "Be the Boss of Your Life." As you noted, people try to take away our agency when we're old, often with the best of intentions (like your daughter promoting the assisted living facility).
One of the best tools we have, I think, to retain and expand our personal power as we age, is to have a clear vision of the kind of old person we want to be, and the kind of old age we want to have. If we know who we want to be and how we want to live, it's much easier to push back against others' ideas and efforts that don't support that vision.
Hi Erika, I do believe that is key - having that clear vision of who we want to be as we age and what we want it to look like. The catalyst for the newsletter initially was just that - I didn't want to be what I saw coming if I didn't take charge in a better way.
I love that! And my writing the new book was/is part of my later life vision in the same way…
I love that you are choosing to listen to your own voice! And it is very much a choice! I grew up in a home where dad ruled and mom obeyed. Thankfully he was a good man, so it worked out. After he passed, she was terrified of her lack of knowledge. Us kids saw her through her remaining two years. I would have none of that in my marriage. I knew as much as hubby did. When he passed, I was easily able to handle all the decisions, despite the grief and loss.
So glad to see this topic addressed! We must take care of ourselves!
Hi Nancy, that was my household, as well. Dad ruled, and Mom obeyed or finagled her way around his rules, which is what I brought to my marriage. You were so wise to know as much as your hubby did. I'm sure it gave you an advantage when you had to take over. As you say, the grief and loss were there, but you had a handle on things. I so agree with you, we must take care of ourselves.
I particularly love how you address the fact that as you get older, not only do your purposes change, but the whole idea of what your purpose could be changes from hiring things done to finding the skills that you have to change in order to adapt to the changes about you.
Especially as a woman
Hi Jill, Well said - and so true! The change I struggle with - along those lines - is allowing other people to help me. My husband and I were very independent for years. Now that he is gone and I'm older, I've realized that I can't be as independent as I wanted, so my purpose has to include others who want to help me and let them do so rather than resisting their help and feeling guilty.