Discovering Our Power As We Age

It's Not Too Late

Photo by Aditya Enggar Perdana on Unsplash

For years, I had no clue about this thing called personal power. The house rules when I was growing up were don’t ask questions, do as you’re told, and don’t talk back. There wasn no opportunity to develop the competence or practice making decisions that would allow me to become a self-confident woman.

Dan and I were 19 when we got married, and I clearly remember letting him to take charge. I didn’t have the skills; my Dad always made the decisions for the family, and I wanted to please my new husband, so that seemed to be the best choice.

To a degree, it worked for many years. We were a team making decisions together - although my husband usually had the final say.

The problem with that became apparent, when he began to struggle with dementia, and refused to admit it. I had no leverage to get him to a doctor, have in-home respite support, or choose a health care facility for the future - he resisted and refused. After he died, I didn’t have the self-confidence to take charge on my own.

In last week’s post, Burnout in Later Life, I mentioned reclaiming my purpose, power, and peace as part of the plan to age well. Today, I want to talk more about personal power because experience continues to teach me its importance.

I’m talking about our ability to influence situations, impact others, and achieve goals through skills, confidence, and character, rather than relying on formal authority or position. This power includes self-awareness, interpersonal skills, and the ability to inspire and motivate others - using our knowledge and personal qualities to make a difference. Ultimately, it means recognizing our capacity to influence our lives and the situations we encounter.

Ways to begin claiming it include being aware, setting boundaries, taking responsibility for our actions and emotions, practicing self-compassion and self-care, acknowledging our fears, and building a supportive network.

Five years after Dan’s death, I’m beginning to acknowledge and use that power little by little by listening to myself, saying no more often, and expressing my point of view more openly.

It’s not an easy journey, and it’s taken enormous effort, but it’s proving to be an essential step during the later chapters of my life.

When we get older, family members, friends, and professionals tend to think they know what’s best for us - that’s not always the case.

A prime example happened recently when my daughter and I visited an assisted living facility. It was brand new, lovely, close to her home, offered every amenity imaginable, provided transportation for outside events and appointments, had excellent food and entertainment, was pet-friendly, and affordable. On the surface, I could see why others would consider this an ideal solution if I were to need support in the future.

However, I’m a very private person, not interested in playing games or socializing, and I treasure my alone time and space. This would be like living in a luxury hotel, which is fine for many, but even considering the possibility caused enormous anxiety. That anxiety would seems to indicate that if or when I need additional care, I would be wise to explore other options - like in-home help.

Five years ago, I’d have ignored that feeling and agreed with family and friends who thought it was the perfect solution, but not today - I’m listening carefully to myself when making my decisions and choices.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past four years.

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