When I was growing up in the 40s and 50s, the house rules were, “don’t ask questions,” “children are to be seen and not heard,” “don’t talk back,” and “do what you’re told.” Those admonitions led me to do what ‘they’ said without question, think others knew better than I did, and ignore my sense of things.
Which led me to keep curiosity, questions, and opinions to myself. I didn’t feel heard because I kept my mouth shut, and while I’m better at speaking up today - the issue remains. Just the other day, I agreed to do something I really didn’t want to do - again. So, the work continues.
As we age, we may feel like we’re not being taken seriously or viewed as capable by family members, friends, or even medical professionals. This can lead to feelings of isolation, helplessness, and even depression.
So as an older adult, it’s even more important for me - for us - to let go of those out-dated rules - to allow ourselves to age with dignity, agency, and self-worth.
Below, I share with you what I’m finding at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.
Experts say the first step in ensuring our voice is heard is finding someone who will listen to us and fight for our rights. This could be a family member, friend, or even a professional healthcare advocate.
What I’m Finding:
I disagree! I want to to fight for my rights and have someone support me in doing so which might mean helping me prepare, attending appointments, and discussing the situation beforehand.
That would mean knowing what my rights are, which is in part what this newsletter is about.
Experts say that when we go to the doctor, we should be prepared with a list of questions and concerns. This helps us make the most of our appointment and ensures that all our questions are answered.
What I’m Finding:
That’s true. However, it also applies to other areas of life whether talking to someone in authority or a strong, opinionated friend.
Being prepared seems to be a useful first step no matter the situation. It helps lessen anxiety. When I’m worrying about something, I write my spinning thoughts on a piece of paper; then I can consider options or adaptions. Getting them out of my head and on to paper somehow opens the door for other possibilities.
Experts say we shouldn’t be afraid to speak up for ourselves no matter the setting. If we feel that we’re not being heard, or we’re not getting the answers we need, we must be assertive and make sure our voice are heard.
What I’m Finding:
That’s easier said than done. It’s taken courage and practice for me to stand up for myself.
We may have been taught professionals know best and that we should follow their recommendations.
I know myself best and have a sound mind, which means I have the right to make my own decisions.
My question for you is this: how comfortable are you in standing up for yourself even though others may disagree.
Please let your friends and family know about the Aging Well Newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.
So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:
Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.
How comfortable are you in standing up for yourself even though others may disagree?
This happens all the time to older people, especially women. I don’t know a single woman who has not been interrupted by a man— in a social setting or on the job. The older you get the more it happens. While it is hard to do, it works to interrupt the interrupter and say “excuse me, I was still talking.”
That usually shocks the interrupter enough to get a word in edgewise!