Moving Past Victim Thinking

Fostering Empowerment and Resilience

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Do you ever think of yourself as being constantly wronged by others and circumstances? Do you ever feel as if

• You have no control over situations, and others are out to get you.

• Bad things keep happening, no matter what you do.

• You blame others for events or situations in your life, even though there are things you can do to help fix the problem.

Sometimes, we go through difficult times and lack effective coping strategies for handling them, so we develop the belief that life happens to us and we have no control over it. We often take things personally and ask, “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?”

I’d seen myself as a victim for years - not understanding that I really did have some control. That thinking persisted throughout my adult life.

Lately, though, I’ve realized two important truths. The first is that I cause or contribute to many of my problems through my choices. The second is that I’m the one making them, and perhaps there were better options to consider.

Those two insights led me to explore personal power and to begin making choices that enabled me to think in terms of being a victor, rather than a victim.

Changing long-held habits is not easy - especially at this age. Nevertheless, my new plan is to take more responsibility for my actions and consider their consequences beforehand, focus on solutions rather than problems, and view challenges as opportunities rather than obstacles. I’m practicing these by:

• Allowing and accepting my emotions.

  • Paying attention to my feelings provides valuable information that helps me navigate reality and enables me to take appropriate action.

• Acknowledging what I can and can’t control.

  • I’m using the Serenity Prayer as my guide. Having “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

• Avoiding exaggeration - overemphasizing the worst possible outcome by assuming that a minor setback inevitably leads to a significant disaster.

  • I’m really good at that, and it leads to vast amounts of stress.

• Create an action plan.

  • Once I’ve identified the problem or situation, I look at my responsibility and then take steps to resolve it. Then I test my plan and adjust it as necessary until it’s right.

It seems that the older we get, the more aware we must be of making choices that empower us rather than victimize us.

I’d love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned throughout my life and caregiving years with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. Her book Aging Well: 30 Lessons for Making the Most of Your Later Years is available on Amazon, and she has written articles for Substack.