Elders and Driving
This Was a Big Problem for me as a Caregiver
Every day - sometimes several times a day, Dan took me out to the car and used his key to open the car door, which didn’t work. I opened the car door with my key, which I kept in my pocket 24 hours a day.
His key didn’t work because I took the battery out of the key fob. I told him the battery was dead and that I ordered a new one, but it hadn’t come yet. I even offered to check on the order - the one I never placed. He immediately forgot that conversation, and I kept repeating the story.
Once I opened the car door, he turned on the ignition, and the car started - so he knew it worked, and that satisfied him to a point. Then, I made excuses about why we couldn’t go anywhere right then or why I needed to drive.
Dementia caused Dan to be an unsafe driver - he made poor decisions and got confused. But no one - not a doctor, a police officer, and certainly not me was going to tell him he couldn’t drive.
The Aging Care website offers 20 Warning Signs an Elderly Driver Is No Longer Safe Behind the Wheel.
Unfortunately, there is no universal cut-off age. However, if you begin observing warning signs, it’s time to address the situation.
I let Dan drive as long as I could. We went places early in the morning when the traffic was light and took the back roads. But we reached the point where even that was no longer safe.
The Daily Caring website says
Certain methods might make us feel like we’re betraying them or being the “bad guy.” But what we’re really doing is using last-resort methods to protect their safety and the safety of other drivers and nearby pedestrians.
We might have already:
Repeatedly asked them to stop driving
Showed proof that they’re no longer safe drivers
Have a family meeting, so it’s not just coming from you
Reassure them that they’ll still be able to go out
Then, if they still refuse to give up their keys, we could:
Anonymously report them to the DMV.
The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) allows people to report unsafe drivers, often anonymously. Anyone can file a report.
Have a relative or close friend “borrow” the car.
If our older adult’s car isn’t there, they won’t be able to drive it. To keep them from getting suspicious, we could arrange for a relative or close friend to borrow the car.
Take the car for repairs.
Pretending that the car has a problem is another effective method.
Sell the car.
Selling their car is a way of making sure your older adult can no longer drive. Make up a story for why this is necessary.
Frankly, most of these ideas would not have worked for us. We sold his truck and needed the car. Dan would never have allowed someone to borrow it or drive it. However, your situation may be different.
You might also find valuable ideas from the following website:
— 7 Warning Signs: How to Know When Your Parents Should Stop Driving
— 4 Tips to Get an Elderly Person to Stop Driving
— 3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help
— 7 Warning Signs: How to Know When Your Parents Should Stop Driving
— 4 Tips to Get an Elderly Person to Stop Driving
— 3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help
Take a look at them and decide if or what might work for you.
Handing over the car keys is filled with emotions that may not be fully recognized or understood. This can be one of the most difficult times for an older adult.
Have you thought about how you would handle this situation if it happened in your family? It can be a major issue.
P.S. I wanted to remind you of the Aging Care website. It has a wealth of information for caregivers, and I find it to be a wonderful resource.
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Handing over the car keys is filled with emotions that may not be fully recognized or understood. This can be one of the most difficult times for an older adult.
I was so proud of my father when he first started to show signs of dementia, and the doctor diagnosed him has having Alzheimer's, that he voluntarily handed over the keys and also announced that he was going to be the best Alzheimer's patient there was. Of course in time he forgot why he couldn't drive, but this was at least one worry she didn't have. However there were lots of struggles over his insistence in doing various tasks around the house that required him to climb ladders and use power tools. And I know that until he got to the stage where my step mother could just distract and he would forget what he wanted to do, this was a constant struggle. Thankfully, when we got him into a small home, his experience (and hers) was much better than yours--off course this was also long before Covid. Besides occasionally wondering why he couldn't get in the car and go home with her, he was well taken care of, staying in a lovely serene homelike environment (only 8 patients) with same people taking care of him, and my step mother able to visit him daily, play the piano for him, etc. And I do know that the tool that continued to work best (I lived 3 states away, but visited 3-4 times a year, a week at a time to give her a chance to get out of town) was to simply come up with some simple answer then distract. I am ever grateful for the almost decade where i was able to watch movie musicals with him, singing along at the top of our voices, take him for a hot fudge sundae, and eventually just sit and read poetry to him as he slept more and more. i know this is not the experience that many have, and I certainly didn't have the couple of difficult years of transition with him, or the full responsibility my step mother had. But I also know that so much of the advice you are giving could be a life saver for those going through this difficult task. I do hope knowing you might be helping others can give you some relief from the pain of your own experience.