Handing over the car keys is filled with emotions that may not be fully recognized or understood. This can be one of the most difficult times for an older adult.
I was so proud of my father when he first started to show signs of dementia, and the doctor diagnosed him has having Alzheimer's, that he voluntarily handed over the keys and also announced that he was going to be the best Alzheimer's patient there was. Of course in time he forgot why he couldn't drive, but this was at least one worry she didn't have. However there were lots of struggles over his insistence in doing various tasks around the house that required him to climb ladders and use power tools. And I know that until he got to the stage where my step mother could just distract and he would forget what he wanted to do, this was a constant struggle. Thankfully, when we got him into a small home, his experience (and hers) was much better than yours--off course this was also long before Covid. Besides occasionally wondering why he couldn't get in the car and go home with her, he was well taken care of, staying in a lovely serene homelike environment (only 8 patients) with same people taking care of him, and my step mother able to visit him daily, play the piano for him, etc. And I do know that the tool that continued to work best (I lived 3 states away, but visited 3-4 times a year, a week at a time to give her a chance to get out of town) was to simply come up with some simple answer then distract. I am ever grateful for the almost decade where i was able to watch movie musicals with him, singing along at the top of our voices, take him for a hot fudge sundae, and eventually just sit and read poetry to him as he slept more and more. i know this is not the experience that many have, and I certainly didn't have the couple of difficult years of transition with him, or the full responsibility my step mother had. But I also know that so much of the advice you are giving could be a life saver for those going through this difficult task. I do hope knowing you might be helping others can give you some relief from the pain of your own experience.
That was one of the toughest things I had to do to my mother. She wasn't against it but it forced her to realize she was giving up a big part of her freedom. She was okay with it for a long time.
One day I drove over to pick her up to get her hair done, and saw her walking along a major highway. My 85 year old mother didn't like walking to the mailbox at the end of the hallway in her apartment building, let alone down a busy street.
I was a couple minutes late and she'd decided she had to walk so she wouldn't miss her hair appointment. She wasn't angry or anything, just, well, just.
It broke my heart more than it did hers.
After that I always got to her apartment at least an hour early to sit and wait, for both our sakes.
Remembering this fuels my desire to relocate to a place that is walkable. My husband drives for a living—he isn't the least concerned we might have to give up driving privileges one day. It terrifies me. Not the giving up driving part, but being trapped in a place I can't get out to move around by biking or walking. We are currently in an area that I describe as the middle-of-nowhere; it isn't (really) except to me, but if we didn't have vehicles, I could only walk to a park, the golf course or Lake Michigan—not really helpful if I needed essentials, or desired to visit a bookstore or a library, or even enjoy buying a hot cup of coffee. I didn't appreciate how my mother felt until I moved to my current location three years ago. It's a really serious issue as we age. Thank you for the reminder. Great suggestions about what to do in the event one is faced with having to take away privileges.
Hi Patti, That is the saving grace for me, I am centrally located and can walk to most places I need or want to go - groceries, restaurants, bank, etc. I can also use Uber., if I have to.
This makes perfect sense. San Francisco a pedestrian city, that's for certain. I'd never own a vehicle if I lived there! I used to visit the Bay Area with my parents a few times a year, it was our go-to meeting place coming from Las Vegas and Tampa. What a wonderful, easy place to get around without a car. We always marveled how fun it was to eliminate driving. On transportation: I will never ride my bike across the bridge again, lesson learned!
Ugh. This is a sore subject with me right now, Janice. I drive my car only about once a week, only in the day time and only on roads I know well. It is time for me to stop driving, but I am just hanging on to the car! A symbol of my independence, I guess. If someone would just come and take it and say, "Time to quit, old girl, " I would accept it . But just volunteering to let it go is harder.
Janice ~ your delightful article reminds me of my step-dad. He use to mix up the accelerator & brake, causing a lot interesting "episodes." He also drove himself to the golf course in the middle of the night & sat waiting for daylight. I'm hoping if either my husband or I become a poor driver we will recognize it and surrender our keys...
Hi Jan, I knew that I shouldn't be driving and made the decision on my own not to renew my driver's license. I've been surprised at how much it bothers not to have that option any longer.
Handing over the car keys is filled with emotions that may not be fully recognized or understood. This can be one of the most difficult times for an older adult.
I was so proud of my father when he first started to show signs of dementia, and the doctor diagnosed him has having Alzheimer's, that he voluntarily handed over the keys and also announced that he was going to be the best Alzheimer's patient there was. Of course in time he forgot why he couldn't drive, but this was at least one worry she didn't have. However there were lots of struggles over his insistence in doing various tasks around the house that required him to climb ladders and use power tools. And I know that until he got to the stage where my step mother could just distract and he would forget what he wanted to do, this was a constant struggle. Thankfully, when we got him into a small home, his experience (and hers) was much better than yours--off course this was also long before Covid. Besides occasionally wondering why he couldn't get in the car and go home with her, he was well taken care of, staying in a lovely serene homelike environment (only 8 patients) with same people taking care of him, and my step mother able to visit him daily, play the piano for him, etc. And I do know that the tool that continued to work best (I lived 3 states away, but visited 3-4 times a year, a week at a time to give her a chance to get out of town) was to simply come up with some simple answer then distract. I am ever grateful for the almost decade where i was able to watch movie musicals with him, singing along at the top of our voices, take him for a hot fudge sundae, and eventually just sit and read poetry to him as he slept more and more. i know this is not the experience that many have, and I certainly didn't have the couple of difficult years of transition with him, or the full responsibility my step mother had. But I also know that so much of the advice you are giving could be a life saver for those going through this difficult task. I do hope knowing you might be helping others can give you some relief from the pain of your own experience.
Hi , That was the redeeming grace for me, he forgot what was said immediately. So, the same old story got me through over and over again.
That was one of the toughest things I had to do to my mother. She wasn't against it but it forced her to realize she was giving up a big part of her freedom. She was okay with it for a long time.
One day I drove over to pick her up to get her hair done, and saw her walking along a major highway. My 85 year old mother didn't like walking to the mailbox at the end of the hallway in her apartment building, let alone down a busy street.
I was a couple minutes late and she'd decided she had to walk so she wouldn't miss her hair appointment. She wasn't angry or anything, just, well, just.
It broke my heart more than it did hers.
After that I always got to her apartment at least an hour early to sit and wait, for both our sakes.
Remembering this fuels my desire to relocate to a place that is walkable. My husband drives for a living—he isn't the least concerned we might have to give up driving privileges one day. It terrifies me. Not the giving up driving part, but being trapped in a place I can't get out to move around by biking or walking. We are currently in an area that I describe as the middle-of-nowhere; it isn't (really) except to me, but if we didn't have vehicles, I could only walk to a park, the golf course or Lake Michigan—not really helpful if I needed essentials, or desired to visit a bookstore or a library, or even enjoy buying a hot cup of coffee. I didn't appreciate how my mother felt until I moved to my current location three years ago. It's a really serious issue as we age. Thank you for the reminder. Great suggestions about what to do in the event one is faced with having to take away privileges.
Hi Patti, That is the saving grace for me, I am centrally located and can walk to most places I need or want to go - groceries, restaurants, bank, etc. I can also use Uber., if I have to.
What part of the country are you in, Janice?
I live in California - the San Francisco Bay area.
You mentioned being able to walk to Lake Michigan, where are you located.
This makes perfect sense. San Francisco a pedestrian city, that's for certain. I'd never own a vehicle if I lived there! I used to visit the Bay Area with my parents a few times a year, it was our go-to meeting place coming from Las Vegas and Tampa. What a wonderful, easy place to get around without a car. We always marveled how fun it was to eliminate driving. On transportation: I will never ride my bike across the bridge again, lesson learned!
Ugh. This is a sore subject with me right now, Janice. I drive my car only about once a week, only in the day time and only on roads I know well. It is time for me to stop driving, but I am just hanging on to the car! A symbol of my independence, I guess. If someone would just come and take it and say, "Time to quit, old girl, " I would accept it . But just volunteering to let it go is harder.
Hi Sharron, It is a symbol of independence and I am surprised how sharply I have felt the loss.
Janice ~ your delightful article reminds me of my step-dad. He use to mix up the accelerator & brake, causing a lot interesting "episodes." He also drove himself to the golf course in the middle of the night & sat waiting for daylight. I'm hoping if either my husband or I become a poor driver we will recognize it and surrender our keys...
Hi Jan, I knew that I shouldn't be driving and made the decision on my own not to renew my driver's license. I've been surprised at how much it bothers not to have that option any longer.